Let's Go to Work.
The people tagged here aren't for rhyme or reason. You're good friends of mine -- whether you see it like that or not -- and I just simply wanted to share this with you. It's not to say those untagged aren't, so don't say that either. It's long, so it'll take some time. If you read it all the way down, thanks for taking the time to read it. : )
[Cross-posted from Facebook.]
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This has been on my mind for a while, so I figure I should share it. At least, I need to get it out of my head.
After every stay in California, I seem to leave here with a renewed vigor of who I am, what I'm about, and a goal of accomplishing so many things in front of me. It's like being here reminds me of what I have at home -- friends, life, things of that nature -- and it just sets off something in me that strives to do many a good things once I return.
But it always appears to be short-lived. Once I'm back, it's like I sink into a rut, one I seem to always fall into. I'll stop going to the gym, I'll stop with everything I set forward, and just settle in to the things around me.
And then I end up depressed and saddened that I'm not accomplishing anything. In my mind I see that I want to do so much and say so many things, but it's almost like I have a hesitation to, one almost unspoken and unreasonable.
Last semester, I hid my true feelings from a lot of people. Some could see, but a lot, unless outward appearance gave, didn't know that feelings of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence had dropped. Severely. It got to the point where I halfway considered leaving everything I was a part of and just merely existing. While I didn't leave anything or quit any responsibilities, I still just felt like I was "there." In my mind, I had no real purpose, I had no real goal, nothing was there to reach for anymore, I just existed. Simple as pie.
A lot of my life, I've always had a goal to strive for, something to attain with hard work, dedication, and learning. I always have goals in front of me to reach for, and in reaching those goals, I always work hard at every aspect of my life. And literally, all last semester, I felt like I had nothing to really work for. I just did what I was told, I didn't speak up much, and that was it. No one questioned it, no one knew, no one asked.... it was like my own version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" only mine was, in my head, worse.
But over the course of the semester, that whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" mentality held stick, a lot. I hid how I truly felt about a lot of things, simply because I knew that feeling the "other way" almost would cast a shadow on me, one I didn't want to feel or experience. I pushed aside a lot of my personal feelings, some in cases where I had to or needed to for the betterment of something else entirely, but other times because I felt like I had to. Of course now you realize things were different and I simply perceived everything the wrong way, but at the time, it was playing towards the downfall.
No one truly knows how I felt at the end of the semester. I just wanted out. I wanted gone. I wanted things over with, done with, nothing to bother me. I simply wanted to quit. EVERYTHING. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to be a part of anything, I didn't want to exist, in any way. I had put myself into a living hell in my mind, one that I knew no way out and no way to even fix the wrongs I'd done. While now I realize I hadn't done wrongs, I felt like I wasn't living up to my end of the bargain, and that I was letting people down. I didn't know what to do, or how to fix things.
I'll probably never publicly admit the things that entered my mind from October 15th through December 10th, but I think you may start to understand where my mind was mentally. Just know I felt like I had no way out of anything and everything around me, and pressure surrounding me was intense.
When I left for California on the 13th, I felt like shit, to be frank. While I wanted to get away from Georgia and the things that had made me feel like I was living in my own hell, at the same time, I knew by coming out here it wouldn't necessarily make things better. I tried to make it seem like it was, but in reality, this break has been almost insufferable by most standards, which I'll explain later. It merely made what I was feeling worse, in the fact that I almost felt ignored in my own house, and sought refuge in my own room. The feelings I had in Georgia -- being ignored by my friends, not feeling confident, loss of self-esteem and self confidence, and the ability to speak up on how I felt -- essentially followed me to California, and were magnified.
Christmas Day wasn't fully pleasant for me.
From the day I got here I've been bugged about what I wanted for Christmas. It was almost unfathomable to anyone that I didn't want anything [Ms. Lisa had already given me an Apples to Apples set, so in my mind I had what I wanted. : ) ] It racked my brain for a couple of days, but I settled on a Digital Camera, something I'd lost when mine died after heavy use for 3 years. You'd think that after being bugged it would happen almost immediately.
Nope. Not only did I get told that I wasn't getting it for Christmas -- it would be after Christmas -- I was told it was because they just didn't want to go back to the store and get it, and that they'd been busy in the days leading to Christmas. What's funny about that situation is that I was more busy and active than the person who told me this, which is pretty sad considering I walked by them for over a week, sitting in the same chair everyday, watching the same TV, everyday. [if you haven't figured out who it is by now, then you obviously don't know my life very well.]
The day itself lead to a lot more confusion and upset. I was a full 2 hours early to dinner, because no one bothered to tell me the real time, which I only look at one person for that one as well (same person as above). I didn't really talk to anyone, and if anything, spent half the night doing things for other people. The lone exception to that was taking my sister to Rite-Aid to get some baby formula. I was ITCHING to leave that house when that situation arose. I was almost too eager to do that one. Then going to my stepbrother's house, and all the drama that ensued there -- leaving THAT one off Facebook too -- basically just left me drained, tired, and confused. This wasn't how Christmas was suppose to be in my mind, not in a million years.
Christmas Day, in one day, summed up my entire vacation to that point. I'd been alone, no one to really talk to -- I was almost desperately searching out people to just keep in contact with, in my mind -- and I just felt like nothing I could do would make me feel any sort of happy or semblance of cheer anytime soon.
Fast forward to my birthday [I turned 22 by the way, for those who FORGOT]. My parents left at 10am for a vacation with the step-family to Hawaii. They leave every year on my birthday. I'd pretty much gotten use to not seeing my parents on my birthday, it's happened the last 3 years. Add to matters that I got extremely sick on my birthday -- 101.7 degree fever, dry-heaving, convulsions, lack of sleep, inability to hold down even cold medicine -- just made it probably the worst birthday ever. Why so sick?
I had inhaled mold on the back of my headboard over a 2-day period at my grandma's house. IN MY SLEEP.
Yeah. Not cool, period.
Don't worry, I'm fine now. But I'm SEVERELY allergic to mold, if that puts it into perspective. This is what happens.
I spent the next 4 days alone basically, in my room, with nothing but a bag, my computer, and my TV. I didn't go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone really. It was just all a bit grounding.
I can't tell you how many times I've lost it in my room, where no one knows but me. I was in my car, driving to Fairfield, and I realized upon talking to friends that they were having great days -- snow, unexpected presents, great times and memories with family -- and I just, wasn't. And I couldn't make anything happen that would remotely make me happier after that. I just had to deal with it, like everything else around me told me to do. But dealing with it isn't easy, believe me.
2011 has had a great start for me. On January 1st, I went bowling with my 2 sisters, my niece, and my brother-in-law. It was nice to bowl with them, and have fun. I wasn't really bowling to bowl, but I did pretty well for myself. I spent more of that time picking on my niece, all of us picking on each other essentially -- there's embarrassing pictures my sisters have that I hope NEVER make it to the Internet -- and just generally enjoying the day. Overall, it was a great booster for me, and it's kinda lead to the swift up-rise in my mood, something that's different from every other time I've been here.
Yes, I've been annoyed already, but it hasn't come with much surprise honestly. One thing happened where I got my hopes up about getting my digital camera -- FINALLY -- and it was basically crashed when Best Buy didn't have it, and I wasn't allowed to go to Target to get it, simply on the premise that it was a few dollars more expensive at Target. Yeah I know, not the greatest of excuses, but again, I wasn't entirely surprised. I already had begun to imagine all the pictures I could take, all the videos -- in 720p HD!! -- that I could make, and all the things I could start with again. But it became clear to me that I wasn't getting the camera that day -- VERY abruptly -- and I'm still sans camera. In the moment, I was angry, yet not surprised; greatly disappointed, yet not moved really. When it all started that day, I knew that something wasn't right, and I prepared myself to deal with it well before I started this adventure.
But obviously it still stung to have my emotions played with like that. And it still stings. But I know that I deserve better, and I will GET better, whether through so other means or simply on my own. Making it that positive knew that I had finally come out of the rut I'd been stuck in for so long.
While it probably could've been done differently had I just talked to someone, I feel like I seriously, for reals this time, am taking steps to make myself a better person. God knows I can always do some self-improvement for myself. And I want to take the steps to get back to that person I know, both inside and out. Essentially, the person on the outside should match the person on the inside.
That's why I'm excited to get back to Georgia, and to continue on with my life. I've still got another week -- I leave January 12th for Savannah -- and I already feel like a different person mentally than when I came here almost a month ago. Things have changed, and things in my mind are better than they were. All that matters to me is that I'm a better person now, than I was. No longer do I feel like I'm living in a pit of hell with no escape. I feel a glimmer of myself again.
I've made it through this one, long time in my life, where the questions were unreasonable and the aspects of my life made no sense. I've thought about some serious life changing things to do, but I knew that one day it would eventually get better if I persevered. Somewhere in that cloud, I knew that my due was coming, and I just had to stick around and work hard enough to get it. It's still a confusing thing in my mind, but I know I have to make it get better, and I have to work on it, and not necessary alone either. I didn't know where anything was going, and while I'm still unsure of the next steps, I'm fully aware of the things I'm faced with, and I know that I and I alone control what's in front of me.
This year, I'm making myself a list of things, which I'll probably put in a note all themselves, explaining them and working on them. And as I accomplish the things on this list, I'll bold the goal in mind, and change the description to reflect what's been done. [I'll probably post that note in a couple of days.]
-- With my friendships, I want them to remain strong, remain active, and if there's room, improve them. In other words, I want to be the best friend, listener, worker, whatever, that I can be.
-- Work hard at the positions I hold, and improve myself in areas in said positions, performing at the best of my ability consistently. I don't want to be a slacker, essentially. Work towards the goals I set, and don't get deterred by people who "doubt" my ability.
-- I'm getting back into shape. Notice there's a word missing.... want[-ing]. This isn't a resolution, this is something that, while has been started, needs to start and continue. Being in Bowling and Body Conditioning, it's time to endure the pain and get started on this, post-haste.
-- Pursue an active internship and get said internship for the summer.
-- Work as hard as I can with my classes, making the best grades I humanly can.... for the entire semester.
-- Stay actively involved in Tau Beta Sigma. TBS is my life; I live it, breathe it, think about how I can work at my absolute best in an organization I love so much, and I want to continue to work hard to help my sisters.
-- "A steadfast friendship or relationship is looming in your sight. It is simply up to you to make that happen." That was on a fortune cookie I had from a Chinese restaurant in Vallejo. While I'm never partial to fortune cookies, this one was sticking out in my mind. Whether it happens or doesn't happen, if it does, I'm fully prepared for it. But I'm not pushing it or rushing it.
-- Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind. This one may be the harder one, but I'm gonna do my best to stick to my guns and not be intimidated into thinking, feeling, or operating in a way I wouldn't normally.
They're not resolutions, they're simply continuations on things that I've begun to realize for myself. And while some may or may not happen, I want to do my best to make them reality. Everyone deserves to shoot for things, and these, in my mind, are the things I have to live for and the things I have to accomplish for myself.
I'm Alfred Lanier -- brother, sister, friend, loyalist, listener, friend, and most of all, human. And while I'm not perfect, I simply want to be the best that I can be. I have a lot to live for, and I have a lot to accomplish for the rest of my life time. And while there will be bumps on the hills and icy patches, understand that I, myself, am determined to do the best that I can to be here, not only for you, but for myself as well.
Let's go to work. : )
[Cross-posted from Facebook.]
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This has been on my mind for a while, so I figure I should share it. At least, I need to get it out of my head.
After every stay in California, I seem to leave here with a renewed vigor of who I am, what I'm about, and a goal of accomplishing so many things in front of me. It's like being here reminds me of what I have at home -- friends, life, things of that nature -- and it just sets off something in me that strives to do many a good things once I return.
But it always appears to be short-lived. Once I'm back, it's like I sink into a rut, one I seem to always fall into. I'll stop going to the gym, I'll stop with everything I set forward, and just settle in to the things around me.
And then I end up depressed and saddened that I'm not accomplishing anything. In my mind I see that I want to do so much and say so many things, but it's almost like I have a hesitation to, one almost unspoken and unreasonable.
Last semester, I hid my true feelings from a lot of people. Some could see, but a lot, unless outward appearance gave, didn't know that feelings of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence had dropped. Severely. It got to the point where I halfway considered leaving everything I was a part of and just merely existing. While I didn't leave anything or quit any responsibilities, I still just felt like I was "there." In my mind, I had no real purpose, I had no real goal, nothing was there to reach for anymore, I just existed. Simple as pie.
A lot of my life, I've always had a goal to strive for, something to attain with hard work, dedication, and learning. I always have goals in front of me to reach for, and in reaching those goals, I always work hard at every aspect of my life. And literally, all last semester, I felt like I had nothing to really work for. I just did what I was told, I didn't speak up much, and that was it. No one questioned it, no one knew, no one asked.... it was like my own version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" only mine was, in my head, worse.
But over the course of the semester, that whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" mentality held stick, a lot. I hid how I truly felt about a lot of things, simply because I knew that feeling the "other way" almost would cast a shadow on me, one I didn't want to feel or experience. I pushed aside a lot of my personal feelings, some in cases where I had to or needed to for the betterment of something else entirely, but other times because I felt like I had to. Of course now you realize things were different and I simply perceived everything the wrong way, but at the time, it was playing towards the downfall.
No one truly knows how I felt at the end of the semester. I just wanted out. I wanted gone. I wanted things over with, done with, nothing to bother me. I simply wanted to quit. EVERYTHING. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to be a part of anything, I didn't want to exist, in any way. I had put myself into a living hell in my mind, one that I knew no way out and no way to even fix the wrongs I'd done. While now I realize I hadn't done wrongs, I felt like I wasn't living up to my end of the bargain, and that I was letting people down. I didn't know what to do, or how to fix things.
I'll probably never publicly admit the things that entered my mind from October 15th through December 10th, but I think you may start to understand where my mind was mentally. Just know I felt like I had no way out of anything and everything around me, and pressure surrounding me was intense.
When I left for California on the 13th, I felt like shit, to be frank. While I wanted to get away from Georgia and the things that had made me feel like I was living in my own hell, at the same time, I knew by coming out here it wouldn't necessarily make things better. I tried to make it seem like it was, but in reality, this break has been almost insufferable by most standards, which I'll explain later. It merely made what I was feeling worse, in the fact that I almost felt ignored in my own house, and sought refuge in my own room. The feelings I had in Georgia -- being ignored by my friends, not feeling confident, loss of self-esteem and self confidence, and the ability to speak up on how I felt -- essentially followed me to California, and were magnified.
Christmas Day wasn't fully pleasant for me.
From the day I got here I've been bugged about what I wanted for Christmas. It was almost unfathomable to anyone that I didn't want anything [Ms. Lisa had already given me an Apples to Apples set, so in my mind I had what I wanted. : ) ] It racked my brain for a couple of days, but I settled on a Digital Camera, something I'd lost when mine died after heavy use for 3 years. You'd think that after being bugged it would happen almost immediately.
Nope. Not only did I get told that I wasn't getting it for Christmas -- it would be after Christmas -- I was told it was because they just didn't want to go back to the store and get it, and that they'd been busy in the days leading to Christmas. What's funny about that situation is that I was more busy and active than the person who told me this, which is pretty sad considering I walked by them for over a week, sitting in the same chair everyday, watching the same TV, everyday. [if you haven't figured out who it is by now, then you obviously don't know my life very well.]
The day itself lead to a lot more confusion and upset. I was a full 2 hours early to dinner, because no one bothered to tell me the real time, which I only look at one person for that one as well (same person as above). I didn't really talk to anyone, and if anything, spent half the night doing things for other people. The lone exception to that was taking my sister to Rite-Aid to get some baby formula. I was ITCHING to leave that house when that situation arose. I was almost too eager to do that one. Then going to my stepbrother's house, and all the drama that ensued there -- leaving THAT one off Facebook too -- basically just left me drained, tired, and confused. This wasn't how Christmas was suppose to be in my mind, not in a million years.
Christmas Day, in one day, summed up my entire vacation to that point. I'd been alone, no one to really talk to -- I was almost desperately searching out people to just keep in contact with, in my mind -- and I just felt like nothing I could do would make me feel any sort of happy or semblance of cheer anytime soon.
Fast forward to my birthday [I turned 22 by the way, for those who FORGOT]. My parents left at 10am for a vacation with the step-family to Hawaii. They leave every year on my birthday. I'd pretty much gotten use to not seeing my parents on my birthday, it's happened the last 3 years. Add to matters that I got extremely sick on my birthday -- 101.7 degree fever, dry-heaving, convulsions, lack of sleep, inability to hold down even cold medicine -- just made it probably the worst birthday ever. Why so sick?
I had inhaled mold on the back of my headboard over a 2-day period at my grandma's house. IN MY SLEEP.
Yeah. Not cool, period.
Don't worry, I'm fine now. But I'm SEVERELY allergic to mold, if that puts it into perspective. This is what happens.
I spent the next 4 days alone basically, in my room, with nothing but a bag, my computer, and my TV. I didn't go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone really. It was just all a bit grounding.
I can't tell you how many times I've lost it in my room, where no one knows but me. I was in my car, driving to Fairfield, and I realized upon talking to friends that they were having great days -- snow, unexpected presents, great times and memories with family -- and I just, wasn't. And I couldn't make anything happen that would remotely make me happier after that. I just had to deal with it, like everything else around me told me to do. But dealing with it isn't easy, believe me.
2011 has had a great start for me. On January 1st, I went bowling with my 2 sisters, my niece, and my brother-in-law. It was nice to bowl with them, and have fun. I wasn't really bowling to bowl, but I did pretty well for myself. I spent more of that time picking on my niece, all of us picking on each other essentially -- there's embarrassing pictures my sisters have that I hope NEVER make it to the Internet -- and just generally enjoying the day. Overall, it was a great booster for me, and it's kinda lead to the swift up-rise in my mood, something that's different from every other time I've been here.
Yes, I've been annoyed already, but it hasn't come with much surprise honestly. One thing happened where I got my hopes up about getting my digital camera -- FINALLY -- and it was basically crashed when Best Buy didn't have it, and I wasn't allowed to go to Target to get it, simply on the premise that it was a few dollars more expensive at Target. Yeah I know, not the greatest of excuses, but again, I wasn't entirely surprised. I already had begun to imagine all the pictures I could take, all the videos -- in 720p HD!! -- that I could make, and all the things I could start with again. But it became clear to me that I wasn't getting the camera that day -- VERY abruptly -- and I'm still sans camera. In the moment, I was angry, yet not surprised; greatly disappointed, yet not moved really. When it all started that day, I knew that something wasn't right, and I prepared myself to deal with it well before I started this adventure.
But obviously it still stung to have my emotions played with like that. And it still stings. But I know that I deserve better, and I will GET better, whether through so other means or simply on my own. Making it that positive knew that I had finally come out of the rut I'd been stuck in for so long.
While it probably could've been done differently had I just talked to someone, I feel like I seriously, for reals this time, am taking steps to make myself a better person. God knows I can always do some self-improvement for myself. And I want to take the steps to get back to that person I know, both inside and out. Essentially, the person on the outside should match the person on the inside.
That's why I'm excited to get back to Georgia, and to continue on with my life. I've still got another week -- I leave January 12th for Savannah -- and I already feel like a different person mentally than when I came here almost a month ago. Things have changed, and things in my mind are better than they were. All that matters to me is that I'm a better person now, than I was. No longer do I feel like I'm living in a pit of hell with no escape. I feel a glimmer of myself again.
I've made it through this one, long time in my life, where the questions were unreasonable and the aspects of my life made no sense. I've thought about some serious life changing things to do, but I knew that one day it would eventually get better if I persevered. Somewhere in that cloud, I knew that my due was coming, and I just had to stick around and work hard enough to get it. It's still a confusing thing in my mind, but I know I have to make it get better, and I have to work on it, and not necessary alone either. I didn't know where anything was going, and while I'm still unsure of the next steps, I'm fully aware of the things I'm faced with, and I know that I and I alone control what's in front of me.
This year, I'm making myself a list of things, which I'll probably put in a note all themselves, explaining them and working on them. And as I accomplish the things on this list, I'll bold the goal in mind, and change the description to reflect what's been done. [I'll probably post that note in a couple of days.]
-- With my friendships, I want them to remain strong, remain active, and if there's room, improve them. In other words, I want to be the best friend, listener, worker, whatever, that I can be.
-- Work hard at the positions I hold, and improve myself in areas in said positions, performing at the best of my ability consistently. I don't want to be a slacker, essentially. Work towards the goals I set, and don't get deterred by people who "doubt" my ability.
-- I'm getting back into shape. Notice there's a word missing.... want[-ing]. This isn't a resolution, this is something that, while has been started, needs to start and continue. Being in Bowling and Body Conditioning, it's time to endure the pain and get started on this, post-haste.
-- Pursue an active internship and get said internship for the summer.
-- Work as hard as I can with my classes, making the best grades I humanly can.... for the entire semester.
-- Stay actively involved in Tau Beta Sigma. TBS is my life; I live it, breathe it, think about how I can work at my absolute best in an organization I love so much, and I want to continue to work hard to help my sisters.
-- "A steadfast friendship or relationship is looming in your sight. It is simply up to you to make that happen." That was on a fortune cookie I had from a Chinese restaurant in Vallejo. While I'm never partial to fortune cookies, this one was sticking out in my mind. Whether it happens or doesn't happen, if it does, I'm fully prepared for it. But I'm not pushing it or rushing it.
-- Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind. This one may be the harder one, but I'm gonna do my best to stick to my guns and not be intimidated into thinking, feeling, or operating in a way I wouldn't normally.
They're not resolutions, they're simply continuations on things that I've begun to realize for myself. And while some may or may not happen, I want to do my best to make them reality. Everyone deserves to shoot for things, and these, in my mind, are the things I have to live for and the things I have to accomplish for myself.
I'm Alfred Lanier -- brother, sister, friend, loyalist, listener, friend, and most of all, human. And while I'm not perfect, I simply want to be the best that I can be. I have a lot to live for, and I have a lot to accomplish for the rest of my life time. And while there will be bumps on the hills and icy patches, understand that I, myself, am determined to do the best that I can to be here, not only for you, but for myself as well.
Let's go to work. : )
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