Deception. Half-Truths. Lies.

Deception. Half-Truths. Lies. 

These have been on my mind heavily, because of recent events. Things have happened over the last couple of weeks that have put a lot of things into perspective. It’s one of those things that, at least for me, makes me think a lot about the people around me… and just how truthful they are with me about things. 

I’ve been gone from Statesboro now for almost a year. That’s a long time for me, it really is. Considering that I’m now in a position where I have no friends within a 5-minute radius of me (this does not exclude the people who I know down in Berkeley/Oakland/Alameda and San Francisco, it’s just hard to drive down there with no job and a lack of money a lot), I’m in a position now where the words you type, or text, to me are the words I see. And being in friendships, it should never be a thought process to sit and wonder if those words are the truth, or if they’re half-truths, lies, or deceptions you want me to believe.

You see, I am in an environment now where I can’t be 100% myself, for reasons I’m leaving out of this blog. It’s not worth the time to sit here and explain them, plus they’re really private. However if it is a concern of yours feel free to message me. 

The one thing, however, I strive to do is to make sure that people have no doubt in their mind that what I tell them and what I do is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I don’t want it to be a second thought that what I say isn’t the truth. 

Recently I’ve been in a position where I have to second-guess what people, or persons, say to me. And I don’t like it, really. I feel like it’s turning me into this person who over-analyzes everything that everyone says. It makes me anxious, nervous, afraid to say the wrong things, afraid to DO the wrong things, and most of all, just afraid period. It consumes my thought processes, keeps me up at night, makes days seem longer because I get lost in my own thoughts half the time…. Overall, it’s just not pleasant. 

I’ve been in this position before. Most cases I just shrug it off and move forward. But I think being in the position I am now, in a feeling of almost isolation from the outside world and only exposed to what I can see around me every day, amplifies it because I don’t have something else to occupy my thought processes on a daily basis. Right now I just wish there was something else to occupy my mind.

It’s hard to sit back and watch your friends go on with life without you there. Take it from someone who is on Social Media consistently. I watch it, all the time, because right now I have nothing else to think about. I’m not saying that to create a sap story or to create pity, because while I hate pity and self-pity, it’s a fact of life and I just move forward with it. 

Point being.

I see my friends and see what they’re doing now, things I would have liked to have done with them while I was there but never got to do, and the little hater in the back of my head pipes in and starts the thoughts that, really, I hate. 

“I tried doing that with those people, and it never happened. Why?”

“How is it that that’s happening now that I’m 3,000 miles away and I can’t enjoy it with them?”

“Man, your friends have really moved on with their lives. Look at them doing the things you wish you could have done. Sucks, doesn’t it?”

"Remember that one thing that one time you wanted to do and no one else wanted to or could do it with you? Well look at them now, doing it without you. How does that make you feel?"

"Seems like your friends enjoy doing that one thing after all. Well, that's life."

I can’t tell you how much those thoughts ricochet through my brain, maybe not daily, but often. Weekly, yes. It’s not that I envy my friends for it, or am jealous of it…. I mean, I never wonder if my friends miss me. I know my friends miss me, I know my friends wish I was there with them. They say it all the time. I see it all the time. It’s never really a question of the thought. But remember we’re talking about the little hater in the back of my head. 

Through that comes specific thoughts about specific people. You wonder if they didn’t do certain things when you were around because of some pre-conceived thought or notion they had about you, or around you. And through that, you begin to wonder just how much else was hidden from you. On top of that, what are the reasons behind it?

I’m not a huge fan of deception. I don’t really know anyone who is a fan of it, but people have their own niches in life. You may be into that, and believe me when I say I won’t judge you for it. Besides the previously-mentioned statement, I believe in being yourself. The fact that humans change? Embedded in human thought. It’s something that isn’t surprising. College is all about finding yourself. So that I understand. 

It’s hard to explain my thoughts though, I’m becoming worse and worse at this, however.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I hope my friends understand that they can and should be themselves around me. I’m not perfect, I surely don’t expect anyone else to be. I also don’t have a pre-conceived notion of who all of them are. They’re themselves, what makes them unique, special, and hold a special place in my life and in my heart. But it sucks to find out later that your thought of them is carried on what they led you to believe for a long time. And now, you’re finding out more things about them – little things, big things, and all the things in between – and it changes the entire premise of your thoughts about them. Slowly, it becomes a recurring thought and you wonder….

What else are they hiding from you?

Recent events that happen around me leave me questioning a few things in life. I know it sounds dramatic, and I promise it isn’t dramatic at all.

I was told by someone that because I’m so far away, I can’t be mad whenever I discover different things regarding my friends.

Because I’m far away, it’s always likely that my friends will hide things. Naturally. 

Because I’m not close, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain closeness with people. You will drift apart, and you won’t be close. They’ll still be your best friends, but you won’t be… close. 

I’m not around. I dunno the people or influences around people who aren’t around me. They could be influenced by people who aren’t in the same crowd as the people you were around. The influences they have could take them in a totally different direction.

I try my hardest to keep the line of communication open. Unlike some people, I believe keeping that communication line open makes things easier. I mean sure, I don’t expect to know every facet of every single micro-second. I don’t need a spreadsheet account of what you’re doing… nor would I ever look at something like that.

Kudos if you do it, but I barely look at spreadsheets to begin with.

I guess I just expect honesty, however it comes. Positive, or negative. Good, or bad. Honesty is what I look for. With honesty comes trust, dependability. Basically, if you’re honest, a friendship is withstanding of any and all trials, distance included. Changes happen, of course. I know I’m changing. Then again I’m always changing, I feel like.

I guess I said all of that to say I don’t like deception, or half-truths, or lies. I just don’t get why they happen. No one is protecting me by lying to me; they’re hurting me. And considering I pour my heart into my friendships, because I just do that, it hurts more. In the same way you put yourself out there to be vulnerable when you’re in a relationship, I kinda do that with friendships, but not in a way to make myself seem like a sap. 

But you get what I mean. I hope. If you don’t, ask me and I’ll be free to clarify.

I hope typing this out helps get this stuff off my brain. It sucks to sit in bed at night and wonder about this stuff. I should be thinking about other, positive things. And for the most part, I do. I try to surround myself with positive things, even in a situation where nothing but not-so-positive is what I’m surrounded with. But the point is, I need free brain space to think again.

Deception. Half-Truths. Lies. 

I don’t have a place in my life and brain for them.