Closure is Sweet.
Long time no see! Remember, I made no promises last time. Or did I? I honestly can't remember, it's been since September that I was here last. To be honest, my life just hasn't been that interesting. I've been working in that time frame, starting off at Best Buy, and recently making the move to CarMax, which keeps me pretty busy. And when I'm off, it's not truly "off time" as I'm spending the majority of that time catching up on all the things. So my online presence has greatly diminished, as well as my communication presence with it.
But a couple of days ago I was talking to a friend, who mentioned seeing someone from my past. This particular person, who I'll leave nameless, was a very close friend of mine during a 2-year period at college. We bonded very fast, and we leaned on each other for various things. Unfortunately, our friendship dissolved as quickly as it formed, partially because they dropped out of college and left town without much warning (at least to me) among a few other things, and mostly for what I'm going to write about today. I never shared this, primarily because it wasn't worth the energy or the time. But I realized over the last couple of days I never truly gained closure on the situation, and as this is my outlet for things I otherwise can't get out, I figured... what better way to gain closure than to talk about it on here?
As a Freshman in college I struggled with figuring out myself. I battled a lot of personal demons through those first two years as I searched for a way to find myself away from the people I was always surrounded by. I didn't want them to think I was abandoning them, but I needed to figure out my life and figure out what direction I wanted to go in. As a result, I hid a LOT of things from a lot of people, and lied about a lot of things to cover up the hiding. I wasn't happy about it, but I felt it was necessary.
This friend I had.... they were dependable, they were in the same boat I was, and shortly thereafter, went through a pretty bad break-up, throwing their world upside down. [We'll refer to them as "Person B" for reasons.] I came to the aid, being there for them through the roughest parts of the process. In turn, I confided in them a lot of things that I myself was struggling with.... things I preferred were kept quiet, things I wanted to figure out on my own, then tell others if necessary. I trusted them with this information, and it never crossed my mind to ever doubt that trust.
The first instance of this break-in-trust came in the form of someone coming up to me, and asking me about a particular situation. It threw me for a loop, because I wasn't prepared to answer it. I asked them how they knew, and they told me they heard it from someone else.... that someone being the ex-boyfriend of Person B. At the time I didn't piece the pieces together; it was shortly after that I figured it out. But me being a dumb person, I didn't confront the issue. I gave them a pass, understanding the situation at the time.
The second instance of this break-in-trust came in the form of my best friend, a guy I'd been friends with for a couple of years. After some time and after figuring out things, I approached him and told him about the situation that had happened. He was cool and understanding.... more cool than I expected. I was happy about it, and I didn't press the issue much further. It never really came up in conversation much.... until much later on down the road. We were talking about the particular situation, and he told me that he had already found out about it..... that he heard it first from Person B. Obviously this greatly upset me, as now that's two people that found out without me even knowing, and I never was told that they knew. It deflated me for a bit, but this came up as the friendship was starting to un-do itself, so I think that it was more of the nail in the coffin than anything else.
Over time, I began to find out that Person B had been telling other people without my knowledge or consent about this particular situation, and as I was talking to these people, they would tell me that they already knew.... that Person B had told them, and included details in which only Person B knew. It left me very hollow and very numb, that this person, someone I trusted with everything, had so maliciously and callously broken my trust, and above all, never bothered to tell me anything.
Over time I tried to continue contact with Person B, but the weight of that knowledge, the weight of everything, drew the line in the sand, and it got to the point where I never wanted to see them or speak to them again. I felt like a fool, to be honest. But the one thing that happened was that I never truly gained closure on the situation.
This is my closure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Person B:
We were friends, and I use were very exclusively, because I can't call you a friend any longer. Beside the fact that the last time we talked I was still living in a 2-bedroom apartment with a male roommate, I can't really talk to you anymore.
You broke my trust. In a big way.
You confided in me so much information, information to this day I've never shared with anyone. I remember all those late-night drives out into the country, out where the stars were so bright and the moon was the only light beside my headlights. We talked about so much, discussed so much, and confided in each other so much, I never thought I would have to worry about you blabbing off to everyone else. I thought our friendship went deeper than that, but clearly I was wrong.
You broke my trust. No one's broken my trust or hurt me as much as you did to me.
If you would have told me I could have considered trying to fix things, fix that trust. But you never even told me, warned me about any of this. Instead, you went behind my back and gossiped about the biggest secret I had at the time, as if it was your right to do so and your privilege to live. It wasn't, and it never will be. Is this your value of friendship? Was I just a block to you, instead of a person? I know this is dramatic in nature, but I'm truly curious.
No matter what, you changed who I am. No longer do I go around willingly trust people. Even my friends who I've known for 7+ years have to deal with your after-effects. I literally trusted no one, not even those closest to me. You were THE closest friend I had, and you irrevocably broke my trust like it mattered little to you. That is not okay.
You never saw me going around sharing all your damning secrets, all your past transgressions. And even now, with plenty motive and right to do so, I still choose not to. I'm better than that, better than you. Even to people I now hate, I will never stoop to that level and go gossip about someone behind their backs. It's just not that cool.
Honestly this is all I have to say to you. After this, I'll have the closure I didn't go after.
It's not important to seek justice. At the end of the day, I'm me, and you're you. I just hope you're happy with what you did, because at the end of the day, I went on and made a crappy situation better. I gained an amazing friend out of what you did, and she is fantastic in every way. You changed the scope of my friendships, and through it all, I found another amazing friend who, even in a short period of time, reminded me of what a great friendship stands on, and what it means. So I guess you did help. You helped me to re-think what I thought a great friend was. You made me re-evaluate how I treated my friends, and how I let my friends treat me. For the first time, I thought about what I was doing with my friends, and I realized that it's forever a two-way street, and that trust is built AND earned, but never freely given. The buck stopped with you, because today, I'm not friends with people who I feel used me more than were friends with me. So I guess.....
Thanks for that. : )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately this "letter" probably won't make it to the person who did this, but at the end of the day, it's not worth the energy and the drama that would have been dug up. The important thing is to get closure on a situation, and to know you came out better because of it.
Person B wasn't a great friend at all. But I'll be damned if I ever get into a situation like that ever again. It's made me a better person, and despite it all, I couldn't and wouldn't change a thing.
Closure is sweet.
Until the next time, friends.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
But a couple of days ago I was talking to a friend, who mentioned seeing someone from my past. This particular person, who I'll leave nameless, was a very close friend of mine during a 2-year period at college. We bonded very fast, and we leaned on each other for various things. Unfortunately, our friendship dissolved as quickly as it formed, partially because they dropped out of college and left town without much warning (at least to me) among a few other things, and mostly for what I'm going to write about today. I never shared this, primarily because it wasn't worth the energy or the time. But I realized over the last couple of days I never truly gained closure on the situation, and as this is my outlet for things I otherwise can't get out, I figured... what better way to gain closure than to talk about it on here?
As a Freshman in college I struggled with figuring out myself. I battled a lot of personal demons through those first two years as I searched for a way to find myself away from the people I was always surrounded by. I didn't want them to think I was abandoning them, but I needed to figure out my life and figure out what direction I wanted to go in. As a result, I hid a LOT of things from a lot of people, and lied about a lot of things to cover up the hiding. I wasn't happy about it, but I felt it was necessary.
This friend I had.... they were dependable, they were in the same boat I was, and shortly thereafter, went through a pretty bad break-up, throwing their world upside down. [We'll refer to them as "Person B" for reasons.] I came to the aid, being there for them through the roughest parts of the process. In turn, I confided in them a lot of things that I myself was struggling with.... things I preferred were kept quiet, things I wanted to figure out on my own, then tell others if necessary. I trusted them with this information, and it never crossed my mind to ever doubt that trust.
The first instance of this break-in-trust came in the form of someone coming up to me, and asking me about a particular situation. It threw me for a loop, because I wasn't prepared to answer it. I asked them how they knew, and they told me they heard it from someone else.... that someone being the ex-boyfriend of Person B. At the time I didn't piece the pieces together; it was shortly after that I figured it out. But me being a dumb person, I didn't confront the issue. I gave them a pass, understanding the situation at the time.
The second instance of this break-in-trust came in the form of my best friend, a guy I'd been friends with for a couple of years. After some time and after figuring out things, I approached him and told him about the situation that had happened. He was cool and understanding.... more cool than I expected. I was happy about it, and I didn't press the issue much further. It never really came up in conversation much.... until much later on down the road. We were talking about the particular situation, and he told me that he had already found out about it..... that he heard it first from Person B. Obviously this greatly upset me, as now that's two people that found out without me even knowing, and I never was told that they knew. It deflated me for a bit, but this came up as the friendship was starting to un-do itself, so I think that it was more of the nail in the coffin than anything else.
Over time, I began to find out that Person B had been telling other people without my knowledge or consent about this particular situation, and as I was talking to these people, they would tell me that they already knew.... that Person B had told them, and included details in which only Person B knew. It left me very hollow and very numb, that this person, someone I trusted with everything, had so maliciously and callously broken my trust, and above all, never bothered to tell me anything.
Over time I tried to continue contact with Person B, but the weight of that knowledge, the weight of everything, drew the line in the sand, and it got to the point where I never wanted to see them or speak to them again. I felt like a fool, to be honest. But the one thing that happened was that I never truly gained closure on the situation.
This is my closure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Person B:
We were friends, and I use were very exclusively, because I can't call you a friend any longer. Beside the fact that the last time we talked I was still living in a 2-bedroom apartment with a male roommate, I can't really talk to you anymore.
You broke my trust. In a big way.
You confided in me so much information, information to this day I've never shared with anyone. I remember all those late-night drives out into the country, out where the stars were so bright and the moon was the only light beside my headlights. We talked about so much, discussed so much, and confided in each other so much, I never thought I would have to worry about you blabbing off to everyone else. I thought our friendship went deeper than that, but clearly I was wrong.
You broke my trust. No one's broken my trust or hurt me as much as you did to me.
If you would have told me I could have considered trying to fix things, fix that trust. But you never even told me, warned me about any of this. Instead, you went behind my back and gossiped about the biggest secret I had at the time, as if it was your right to do so and your privilege to live. It wasn't, and it never will be. Is this your value of friendship? Was I just a block to you, instead of a person? I know this is dramatic in nature, but I'm truly curious.
No matter what, you changed who I am. No longer do I go around willingly trust people. Even my friends who I've known for 7+ years have to deal with your after-effects. I literally trusted no one, not even those closest to me. You were THE closest friend I had, and you irrevocably broke my trust like it mattered little to you. That is not okay.
You never saw me going around sharing all your damning secrets, all your past transgressions. And even now, with plenty motive and right to do so, I still choose not to. I'm better than that, better than you. Even to people I now hate, I will never stoop to that level and go gossip about someone behind their backs. It's just not that cool.
Honestly this is all I have to say to you. After this, I'll have the closure I didn't go after.
It's not important to seek justice. At the end of the day, I'm me, and you're you. I just hope you're happy with what you did, because at the end of the day, I went on and made a crappy situation better. I gained an amazing friend out of what you did, and she is fantastic in every way. You changed the scope of my friendships, and through it all, I found another amazing friend who, even in a short period of time, reminded me of what a great friendship stands on, and what it means. So I guess you did help. You helped me to re-think what I thought a great friend was. You made me re-evaluate how I treated my friends, and how I let my friends treat me. For the first time, I thought about what I was doing with my friends, and I realized that it's forever a two-way street, and that trust is built AND earned, but never freely given. The buck stopped with you, because today, I'm not friends with people who I feel used me more than were friends with me. So I guess.....
Thanks for that. : )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately this "letter" probably won't make it to the person who did this, but at the end of the day, it's not worth the energy and the drama that would have been dug up. The important thing is to get closure on a situation, and to know you came out better because of it.
Person B wasn't a great friend at all. But I'll be damned if I ever get into a situation like that ever again. It's made me a better person, and despite it all, I couldn't and wouldn't change a thing.
Closure is sweet.
Until the next time, friends.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Comments
Post a Comment