Anxiety: A Word Vomit-Inducing Blog Post.
At work on Saturday, I'm doing my workly duties and being a good Associate, or at least the best Associate I can be. Out of nowhere someone says something to me and instantaneously I could feel myself lose grip with the anger that has come out of absolutely nowhere and I'm about ready to unleash the beast in that office.
Which, to be fair, I did do. A bit. Shortly thereafter I starting feeling, internally, signs of going through multiple anxiety attacks, while still at work. Couple that with some heartburn and it made the end of my week incredibly not enjoyable. Even today, at random points I could feel myself on the brink of anxiety attacks all day, and my body is on a sensory overload where every tinge just hurts.
That... well, this.... was (/is) the culmination of a rather tumultuous week where I struggled to maintain a grip on anything and everything around me. I found myself getting upset on several occasions, and with that level of anger and depression, my anxiety began to rise to where I felt incredibly awkward and incredibly anti-social. I know my co-workers have noticed a change in my overall attitude, and while I've done my best to do what I can to keep it at bay, it becomes increasingly difficult when you feel like no one listens to what you're saying.
It's been a rather weird couple of weeks. I've been up and down when it comes to overall attitude. There are moments of clarity and happiness, then moments where I'm down and would rather be a recluse. I was talking to someone about the fact that I haven't had any form of a vacation or been outside of the Sacramento or San Francisco Bay Areas for over 2.5 years, which wears you down. I've dealt with a lot of things since I moved out to California and to say that things have been smooth would be a definite lie. Basically it's time for a vacation and I'm working hard to make that happen.
My main thing is stress and anxiety. It's crippling. As soon as it gets triggered I literally sink into my own little burrow and I have to pull myself back out again. Right now I feel like I'm in a pressure-cooker situation where I carry multiple hats and am expected to maintain them both. Even when asking for help it never comes easily or without struggle. I guess I was spoiled in how things would easily come to me in the past, and things now have been a struggle.
I want to focus on my personal development, which sucks. I feel like I'm not where I want to be with my personal growth. I'm use to being able to dedicate my free time, even at home, to think about what I can do better and what things I can improve on, and instead all my thoughts are dedicated to aspects of my job and things that automatically stress me out. There are so many things I know I can do better, but not sure where to even think about starting. That makes me sad to even think about.
I guess the main thing is just admitting that I have high anxiety at times. I work best in pressure situations, surprisingly, because I shut everything off around me and focus on what's in front. It wears me down to where I'm just at my raw self: I work my butt off and I don't give a damn about what is around me, and I ignore everything (and everyone) around me. But there are the other times where I get incredibly anxious and mentally overwhelmed that I just shut down, complete opposite of what I know I'm capable of. You can't really help those moments at times.
Even now, I started this blog off with completely opposite intention than what I'm ending it on. My mind goes to a different place whenever I get the word vomit out, I guess. I do know that I struggle with anxiety and depression on the daily, and there are days where all I wanna do is just scream at those around me to leave me alone, but I know I can't exactly do that. Maybe somewhere in these words or in my mind is the answer, but I know that's some ways off.
At least I'm dealing with it and admitting it. It still sucks though.
Off to another month. Here we go, March.
Until next time.
Which, to be fair, I did do. A bit. Shortly thereafter I starting feeling, internally, signs of going through multiple anxiety attacks, while still at work. Couple that with some heartburn and it made the end of my week incredibly not enjoyable. Even today, at random points I could feel myself on the brink of anxiety attacks all day, and my body is on a sensory overload where every tinge just hurts.
That... well, this.... was (/is) the culmination of a rather tumultuous week where I struggled to maintain a grip on anything and everything around me. I found myself getting upset on several occasions, and with that level of anger and depression, my anxiety began to rise to where I felt incredibly awkward and incredibly anti-social. I know my co-workers have noticed a change in my overall attitude, and while I've done my best to do what I can to keep it at bay, it becomes increasingly difficult when you feel like no one listens to what you're saying.
It's been a rather weird couple of weeks. I've been up and down when it comes to overall attitude. There are moments of clarity and happiness, then moments where I'm down and would rather be a recluse. I was talking to someone about the fact that I haven't had any form of a vacation or been outside of the Sacramento or San Francisco Bay Areas for over 2.5 years, which wears you down. I've dealt with a lot of things since I moved out to California and to say that things have been smooth would be a definite lie. Basically it's time for a vacation and I'm working hard to make that happen.
My main thing is stress and anxiety. It's crippling. As soon as it gets triggered I literally sink into my own little burrow and I have to pull myself back out again. Right now I feel like I'm in a pressure-cooker situation where I carry multiple hats and am expected to maintain them both. Even when asking for help it never comes easily or without struggle. I guess I was spoiled in how things would easily come to me in the past, and things now have been a struggle.
I want to focus on my personal development, which sucks. I feel like I'm not where I want to be with my personal growth. I'm use to being able to dedicate my free time, even at home, to think about what I can do better and what things I can improve on, and instead all my thoughts are dedicated to aspects of my job and things that automatically stress me out. There are so many things I know I can do better, but not sure where to even think about starting. That makes me sad to even think about.
I guess the main thing is just admitting that I have high anxiety at times. I work best in pressure situations, surprisingly, because I shut everything off around me and focus on what's in front. It wears me down to where I'm just at my raw self: I work my butt off and I don't give a damn about what is around me, and I ignore everything (and everyone) around me. But there are the other times where I get incredibly anxious and mentally overwhelmed that I just shut down, complete opposite of what I know I'm capable of. You can't really help those moments at times.
Even now, I started this blog off with completely opposite intention than what I'm ending it on. My mind goes to a different place whenever I get the word vomit out, I guess. I do know that I struggle with anxiety and depression on the daily, and there are days where all I wanna do is just scream at those around me to leave me alone, but I know I can't exactly do that. Maybe somewhere in these words or in my mind is the answer, but I know that's some ways off.
At least I'm dealing with it and admitting it. It still sucks though.
Off to another month. Here we go, March.
Until next time.
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