Closure.
Over the last couple of days I've had to process a life event that I wouldn't dare wish on anyone, and even now as I'm coming to terms with what happened, it's still something that, years from now, will be something I won't forget.
Monday evening, driving home, I ran over a dead body on Highway 99 North.
I was driving home from work shortly after 9pm, following behind my boss, like I always do. He lives in Yuba City, so we take a similar way home; him heading up I-5, me heading towards I-80. We both have to go up Highway 99 out of South Sacramento though, so we typically get in line with each other -- him typically leading, me following -- and go our separate ways once we're on US-50. This night wasn't out of the ordinary.... except it was.
As we approached 47th Avenue, my boss -- the car ahead of me -- swerved sharply. Before I could react, I saw an object, motionless, lying on the road in front of me, and with little time to react, hit said object on the road with the right side of my car. My car went up in the air, then came back down, and I re-gained control. Kinda in shock and confusion at this point, I kept going for another minute until I reached an area I knew I could turn around at (and figuring out that somehow my car was still driveable).
I pulled over into a gas station, and before I got out of my car, my boss called me. He had hit the same thing I did, and was calling to make sure I was okay and to figure out where I was.
As I got out of my car and walked around to the passenger side, I saw blood on the front bumper of my car and streaks of blood on my fog lights.
Actual blood.
Again, not really able to still comprehend what happened, my boss pulled up to where I was and got out to look at his car and mine. At that exact moment, another motorist pulled into the same gas station I was at, and pretty much confirmed my worst nightmare:
"There's a dead body lying across Highway 99! I just ran over someone's dead body across Highway 99! Oh my God.....[more words]"
My boss and I went back to the scene, where CHP officers had reduced the lane of travel down to 1 around the accident scene. Ambulances were on scene, and there was a fire truck heading to the scene. My boss and I got back on that side of the highway and went up to the back end, pulled off, and approached an officer.
At this point I can't tell you exactly what I was saying or said. I'm pretty sure I was mentally rambling at this point to my boss and trying to keep myself sane. I remember looking down the road and seeing a white tarp covering what was left of the remains of the person who we had hit. I remember talking to the officer and showing him my ID, registration, and insurance. I remember talking with him about what I saw, and I remember him telling us the likely scenario of what happened and how that person ended up lying across the No. 2 lane, at that point already dead from being hit by other vehicles. He took down our phone numbers and told us we may receive a call from the CHP Investigating Officer with more questions about what we saw, and we were free to go.
As we left the scene I remember looking back at the scene as I was driving by. The extent of what I saw I wouldn't dare write here, but I know under that tarp was not a resemblance of a human being anymore. I also saw another co-worker's car, who was behind us when we left work, ahead of the accident scene, on the side of the road. It wasn't until a few minutes later when I called her that I found out that she too had hit the same dead body not even 10 seconds after we did.
I drove home. No music playing in my car, no sense of relaxation. Pure silence.
Tuesday was a blur to be honest. I went to work (somehow) and I couldn't stop spacing out. I couldn't really focus on too much, and I remember the latter half of my shift I pretty much faked it through just to keep my mind focused on something else. I felt okay, but I just couldn't wrap my head around doing a single task. By 6pm, I pretty much gave up on doing anything. I did talk to yet another co-worker who all but witnessed the beginning of these tragic events, only he was one who saw this person still alive, and in a different lane. It kinda answered a lot of question I had swirling through my head after that point, and it was then that I began to process what happened somewhat.
I'll never fully be able to fully process what happened Monday night. I'll come to terms with it and move on, but there's no way you can process this event in its full extent. This isn't something you do every day. It's not even something I'd expect you to ever do period. But it's something that's happened to me and I'll move on from it.
You're probably asking why I'm typing this out in blog form. The answer? Closure. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, and I know that I had nothing to do with that person lying across the No. 2 lane on Highway 99 North. I know that I couldn't have done anything differently than what I did to avoid that person on the highway. There isn't anything I could have changed. But for the rest of my life I'll be connected with that person, having been a witness to the worst thing to happen to that person. The situation in general sucks, no matter how you look at it. But I have to move on and move forward.
For me to type this out means I'm doing everything I can to move forward. I'm talking about it, I'm sharing my feelings, I'm saying I'm not okay when I'm really not okay. I saw my dad for the first time since Sunday this morning, and I shared the entire circumstance with him; he even told me he was sorry I had to go through this, and that I'll never fully process it, but I'll be able to move on.
The pain and sorrow I feel will fail in complete comparison to the hurt that person's family is feeling right now, this I know. That phone call is the worst kinda imaginable. My heart goes out to the family in every way possible.
I'm angry at that motorcyclist for driving under the influence. I'm angry with him because of his decisions and poor choices. Because of him he cost the life of his passenger. Because of him this person doesn't get to go home to their family. Because of him the lives of at least 12 people have forever been altered in ways previously unimaginable. It's hard not to be angry at someone whose actions cause the death of someone else.
As for me, again I'll move forward. I'll get past this moment in my life and focus on new ones. I do have a funeral coming up for my aunt, so that's another thing heavy on my mind. But this is just a moment in life that's taken me back and internally has me asking questions.
Just hope for the best. Keep me in your thoughts. Like the saying goes, "This too shall pass."
Monday evening, driving home, I ran over a dead body on Highway 99 North.
I was driving home from work shortly after 9pm, following behind my boss, like I always do. He lives in Yuba City, so we take a similar way home; him heading up I-5, me heading towards I-80. We both have to go up Highway 99 out of South Sacramento though, so we typically get in line with each other -- him typically leading, me following -- and go our separate ways once we're on US-50. This night wasn't out of the ordinary.... except it was.
As we approached 47th Avenue, my boss -- the car ahead of me -- swerved sharply. Before I could react, I saw an object, motionless, lying on the road in front of me, and with little time to react, hit said object on the road with the right side of my car. My car went up in the air, then came back down, and I re-gained control. Kinda in shock and confusion at this point, I kept going for another minute until I reached an area I knew I could turn around at (and figuring out that somehow my car was still driveable).
I pulled over into a gas station, and before I got out of my car, my boss called me. He had hit the same thing I did, and was calling to make sure I was okay and to figure out where I was.
As I got out of my car and walked around to the passenger side, I saw blood on the front bumper of my car and streaks of blood on my fog lights.
Actual blood.
Again, not really able to still comprehend what happened, my boss pulled up to where I was and got out to look at his car and mine. At that exact moment, another motorist pulled into the same gas station I was at, and pretty much confirmed my worst nightmare:
"There's a dead body lying across Highway 99! I just ran over someone's dead body across Highway 99! Oh my God.....[more words]"
My boss and I went back to the scene, where CHP officers had reduced the lane of travel down to 1 around the accident scene. Ambulances were on scene, and there was a fire truck heading to the scene. My boss and I got back on that side of the highway and went up to the back end, pulled off, and approached an officer.
At this point I can't tell you exactly what I was saying or said. I'm pretty sure I was mentally rambling at this point to my boss and trying to keep myself sane. I remember looking down the road and seeing a white tarp covering what was left of the remains of the person who we had hit. I remember talking to the officer and showing him my ID, registration, and insurance. I remember talking with him about what I saw, and I remember him telling us the likely scenario of what happened and how that person ended up lying across the No. 2 lane, at that point already dead from being hit by other vehicles. He took down our phone numbers and told us we may receive a call from the CHP Investigating Officer with more questions about what we saw, and we were free to go.
As we left the scene I remember looking back at the scene as I was driving by. The extent of what I saw I wouldn't dare write here, but I know under that tarp was not a resemblance of a human being anymore. I also saw another co-worker's car, who was behind us when we left work, ahead of the accident scene, on the side of the road. It wasn't until a few minutes later when I called her that I found out that she too had hit the same dead body not even 10 seconds after we did.
I drove home. No music playing in my car, no sense of relaxation. Pure silence.
Tuesday was a blur to be honest. I went to work (somehow) and I couldn't stop spacing out. I couldn't really focus on too much, and I remember the latter half of my shift I pretty much faked it through just to keep my mind focused on something else. I felt okay, but I just couldn't wrap my head around doing a single task. By 6pm, I pretty much gave up on doing anything. I did talk to yet another co-worker who all but witnessed the beginning of these tragic events, only he was one who saw this person still alive, and in a different lane. It kinda answered a lot of question I had swirling through my head after that point, and it was then that I began to process what happened somewhat.
I'll never fully be able to fully process what happened Monday night. I'll come to terms with it and move on, but there's no way you can process this event in its full extent. This isn't something you do every day. It's not even something I'd expect you to ever do period. But it's something that's happened to me and I'll move on from it.
You're probably asking why I'm typing this out in blog form. The answer? Closure. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, and I know that I had nothing to do with that person lying across the No. 2 lane on Highway 99 North. I know that I couldn't have done anything differently than what I did to avoid that person on the highway. There isn't anything I could have changed. But for the rest of my life I'll be connected with that person, having been a witness to the worst thing to happen to that person. The situation in general sucks, no matter how you look at it. But I have to move on and move forward.
For me to type this out means I'm doing everything I can to move forward. I'm talking about it, I'm sharing my feelings, I'm saying I'm not okay when I'm really not okay. I saw my dad for the first time since Sunday this morning, and I shared the entire circumstance with him; he even told me he was sorry I had to go through this, and that I'll never fully process it, but I'll be able to move on.
The pain and sorrow I feel will fail in complete comparison to the hurt that person's family is feeling right now, this I know. That phone call is the worst kinda imaginable. My heart goes out to the family in every way possible.
I'm angry at that motorcyclist for driving under the influence. I'm angry with him because of his decisions and poor choices. Because of him he cost the life of his passenger. Because of him this person doesn't get to go home to their family. Because of him the lives of at least 12 people have forever been altered in ways previously unimaginable. It's hard not to be angry at someone whose actions cause the death of someone else.
As for me, again I'll move forward. I'll get past this moment in my life and focus on new ones. I do have a funeral coming up for my aunt, so that's another thing heavy on my mind. But this is just a moment in life that's taken me back and internally has me asking questions.
Just hope for the best. Keep me in your thoughts. Like the saying goes, "This too shall pass."
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