Pre-Vacation.
It certainly has been a while since I've written a blog post. I'm pretty sure the last one was from my trip to Georgia. I feel like I shared a lot of positivity from that trip, in hopes of it trickling down and its after-effects.
It didn't take long for things to wear down and for things to return to where they were, pre-vacation.
I think a lot of it has to do with self-value and self-worth. Today at work I just had this overwhelming feeling of under-appreciation and over-worked feelings. Like... I work hard, and I know I work hard, but it feels like I never gain any traction and I never get to accomplish anything I set my mind to do. Mentally I just can't focus on the double-teamed aspects of my job right now, despite my desire to do so, and I'm at a crossroads as to what to do. I also was told I was being "dramatic" which doesn't help the feelings and mindset in the slightest. Honestly it just sucks.
On my drive home last night, the pressing thought in my mind was, "Why do I care so much if it feels like no one else cares about me?" Going back to working hard, I honestly feel sometimes no one really cares. Why do I stress out about trying to resolve an issue when everyone is just lackadaisical about it.... just "meh, we'll get it done eventually" type mentality? What difference does it make if I just didn't care?
The problem here is that I get so wrapped up in trying to help others and trying to fix all the things thrown into my lap and trying to resolve the issues set on my desk...... there's no energy or anything to even think about myself.
For instance, I bought myself a Mac mini for my room. I've been eyeing them in Best Buy for at least the last 2 months, and I finally cracked and bought one. I got a wireless keyboard and the Mouse Trackpad to go along with it. The goal is to migrate my iTunes library and mirror it on the Mac mini, so that I can watch movies and zoom the web from a single device without having to link all things together and blah blah blah.
The Mac mini -- and everything else -- is just sitting in the corner in my room, plastic wrapping still on the box. I haven't had the energy or care to set up something I've been wanting as a gift to myself. I haven't even opened the boxes.
I come home from work, and I sit in my desk chair, and just.... sit there. I don't do anything, I don't even take off my work clothes. I literally just sit in my desk chair, and honestly, I can't tell you what I do because I don't even remember half the time. I feel like I crank up a YouTube video. Maybe Chromecast some videos off YouTube. This time would be a fantastic time to catch up with friends, respond to texts I got from friends back East (even if they're asleep), but all I can do is the most mindless things.... the things that don't require me to exert any energy.
All I thought about on the drive home from work is that I need to stop caring. I need to stop caring about everyone else, everything else, because why should I care if they don't? Why should I care if no one else does? It's wearing me down in more ways than one, and everyone else is successful. It just doesn't make too much sense for me right now. The saying goes that the nicest ones are the ones who are taken advantage of the most, which seems more and more true the further along things go. I know not everyone does or even means to, but it doesn't negate the fact it actually happens.
Right now I should be excited. One of my closest friends just asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding to another close friend of mine. I'm looking at traveling back to Georgia twice next year... once in April, and again in June. But right now all I can think about is how mentally drained I am right now and how there seems to be no end in sight, or at least a catalyst to improvement.
Maybe a day off from work will help. Hopefully one of these days all the good karma I keep trying to put into the universe will pay off.
It didn't take long for things to wear down and for things to return to where they were, pre-vacation.
I think a lot of it has to do with self-value and self-worth. Today at work I just had this overwhelming feeling of under-appreciation and over-worked feelings. Like... I work hard, and I know I work hard, but it feels like I never gain any traction and I never get to accomplish anything I set my mind to do. Mentally I just can't focus on the double-teamed aspects of my job right now, despite my desire to do so, and I'm at a crossroads as to what to do. I also was told I was being "dramatic" which doesn't help the feelings and mindset in the slightest. Honestly it just sucks.
On my drive home last night, the pressing thought in my mind was, "Why do I care so much if it feels like no one else cares about me?" Going back to working hard, I honestly feel sometimes no one really cares. Why do I stress out about trying to resolve an issue when everyone is just lackadaisical about it.... just "meh, we'll get it done eventually" type mentality? What difference does it make if I just didn't care?
The problem here is that I get so wrapped up in trying to help others and trying to fix all the things thrown into my lap and trying to resolve the issues set on my desk...... there's no energy or anything to even think about myself.
For instance, I bought myself a Mac mini for my room. I've been eyeing them in Best Buy for at least the last 2 months, and I finally cracked and bought one. I got a wireless keyboard and the Mouse Trackpad to go along with it. The goal is to migrate my iTunes library and mirror it on the Mac mini, so that I can watch movies and zoom the web from a single device without having to link all things together and blah blah blah.
The Mac mini -- and everything else -- is just sitting in the corner in my room, plastic wrapping still on the box. I haven't had the energy or care to set up something I've been wanting as a gift to myself. I haven't even opened the boxes.
I come home from work, and I sit in my desk chair, and just.... sit there. I don't do anything, I don't even take off my work clothes. I literally just sit in my desk chair, and honestly, I can't tell you what I do because I don't even remember half the time. I feel like I crank up a YouTube video. Maybe Chromecast some videos off YouTube. This time would be a fantastic time to catch up with friends, respond to texts I got from friends back East (even if they're asleep), but all I can do is the most mindless things.... the things that don't require me to exert any energy.
All I thought about on the drive home from work is that I need to stop caring. I need to stop caring about everyone else, everything else, because why should I care if they don't? Why should I care if no one else does? It's wearing me down in more ways than one, and everyone else is successful. It just doesn't make too much sense for me right now. The saying goes that the nicest ones are the ones who are taken advantage of the most, which seems more and more true the further along things go. I know not everyone does or even means to, but it doesn't negate the fact it actually happens.
Right now I should be excited. One of my closest friends just asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding to another close friend of mine. I'm looking at traveling back to Georgia twice next year... once in April, and again in June. But right now all I can think about is how mentally drained I am right now and how there seems to be no end in sight, or at least a catalyst to improvement.
Maybe a day off from work will help. Hopefully one of these days all the good karma I keep trying to put into the universe will pay off.
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