Articulation.

Sometimes, it's really hard to articulate your thoughts.

It's like you're thinking about something but you're not really sure what words to use... or if there are even words out there you can use to articulate said thoughts. It gets confusing too, because then you wonder to yourself if what you're feeling is really what you're feeling. Are you stuck in this world of ever-revolving thoughts where sentences mean nothing and feelings are stretched and twisted?

It gets confusing at times. 

It definitely gets anxiety-ridden at times. 

I've been at work and have heard this from people a lot:

- "Stop being so angry."

- "Why are you so angry all the time?"

- "What about life has you so pissed off at the world?"

The irony behind those statements is that 97% of the time I'm not even angry or irritated about something. It's not until someone poses that thought to me that I do become irritated or upset, mostly at myself. I start thinking.... "Am I angry about something? Why is my facial expressions leading others to think I'm angry? Is there some hidden anger coming out through my face?"

I feel like those moments could be those times where I can't articulate my feelings, but they're written on my face, and since I never look in the mirror, I never see truly how angry I appear on the outside. 

This is an example of what I go through every day I wake up. I'm barely out of bed half the time and I'm already lost in my own thoughts. I'm already wondering if I can make it through the day, and I'm already doubting my ability to do what is in front of me. Usually that begin with a morning walk with my stepmother, and ends with a car drive home from work. Between the two, so many things happen that shape and make up my day as a whole..... most of them planned, others are not. The perspective I hold is that things are happening and I just need to make it to the next day or the next step somehow. 

Every day I wake up I wonder how I present myself to the world. I wonder about how I look on the outside, and if that is a true reflector of how I am on the inside. Happiness is something I try to project into the world, in the hopes that the good karma I put out results in good karma for my life. I want others to be happy even if I can't be, because at least seeing someone else smile can put a smile on my face, even for a moment. I don't know if there is a "Master Plan" for me or whatever my life is set to mean, but I just want to put as much happiness into the world as I can. At my core, that's my being and that's what I want to do. 

It's not really a secret that I've been stuck in this mindset where I just don't really care about things anymore. For so long I cared about so many things and people, and no one gave that care back honestly. I devoted time to things and no one else cared. Generally it bothered me but I continued to care, because if no one is going to, nothing will get done. It finally got to the point where I just stopped. I was wasting energy and time, and no traction was gained. Most of it was due to just being mentally exhausted and drained from so many things. 

I still want to put good things out to the world, but I just don't have the energy to do it anymore. And now I'm just merely existing at this point. 

I get pushed around like the low man on the totem pole.

I get yelled at for things I have zero control over. 

I feel like my constant actions are being scrutinized with a fine-tooth comb.

I feel like I have no respect from people I give my 100% respect to. 

My nice and hard-working nature are constantly taken advantage of to the point where it's ridiculous.

I exist to survive, to make it to the next day, next hour even. I spent more time looking at the time and wondering what is next, instead of driving myself forward. To lose that drive is to basically lose the will to do anything. 

And yes, I'm pretty sure someone will come back and say "Well you have to find that drive in yourself, because no one else will. "

Truth to your statement, and to that I say this....

To find that drive in yourself, you must have some form of self-value and self-worth. 

To find that drive in yourself, you have to be able to believe in yourself. 

To find that drive in yourself, you have to have support from people, and know it exists in more than words. You can't do it alone.

All that for me is in the pits. 

I get yelled at because I don't take the trash out at someone else's interpretation of a full trash can. 

I get yelled at because there isn't enough water in the fridge. 

I fear coming home to find my room in a state of disarray because someone thinks my room isn't clean enough. 

I'm told on a constant basis that I need to get a girlfriend and be in a relationship, because that determines my worth as a man. 

I feel like crap at work sometimes because it's so busy there isn't enough time to think, let alone accomplish any important tasks. 

I've been made to feel like any mistake I make is completely unacceptable, and not in the way of helping to improve. 

I get behind on what I want to accomplish, and when I try to explain why, I feel as though people just think I'm making up excuses. 

I shoulder a lot of blame on my shoulders for things that I didn't do, but have to take the fall for because it's "in my area."

Confidence, worth, and value are things I struggle with, and constantly. I've been beaten down for so long by people around me it's hard for me to see the truth. I have a hard time trusting people because I've been let down so many times. I've had people that I've trusted with my life break that trust at the snap of a finger. 

Honestly? It sucks. 

I went back and read the blog from my trip to Georgia. I could literally see the happiness dripping from each word on the page, as if a glimmer of light shone through the cracks. And then to read the blog from a month ago after I'd been back, and to see the sadness and disappointment in myself really made me wonder if it's going to be this roller coaster effect of emotions of happiness for a while. 

I just can't really care anymore. I'm tired of caring when I'm the only one, or at least one of the very small few, that does care. I'm so emotionally cut off from my feelings I can't really even tell you how I truly feel half the time. Only when I get truly excited about something does the inner emotions shine through. 

So, I need to figure out a way to get out of this "I don't really care" mood. I mean, I'm not falling backwards or anything (luckily), but I'm not really progressing either. 

Also, it sucks when you feel like your niceness and dedication are constantly being taken advantage of. I work hard but I feel like I'm going nowhere and it gets swept under the rug. 

We'll see. September's going well (or has gone well so far) and October is around the corner. What happens next is a thing that'll happen.