Questions.
I'm pretty sure I wasn't suppose to fin out, but lately I've found out about people having questions pertaining to me, or something surrounding me. I'd like to think I'm pretty calm and simple to talk to whenever someone as a question about me. Something to work on, I suppose. More thoughts on off-days, I guess.... or during breaks in laundry on off-days.
I guess with this blog I try to get the thoughts in my brain onto a forum I can read or understand, so here it goes....
I grew up among the center of conversations. I grew up with people always questioning something about me... my sexuality, my tastes in things in life, what I did, how I did it, why I did it... and a lot of times they snowballed from the small things they were into bigger things that I eventually would have to face, because as all things are in life, they come full-circle. Mostly always I would joke it off and move forward, explaining myself and most of the time, people accepting the truth as it was. Very rarely would I encounter a situation where it was a back-and-forth banter pertaining to parts of my life.
The truth of the situation is that it would essentially cripple me with anxiety. I started wondering what else people were saying about me, or what people were making up about me as a way to bring me down. I guess in a way that contributes to my self-diagnosed need for control. I always need to know what's going on, especially about things pertaining to me.
There have been times lately when I've been told "Hey, we're going to have a meeting to discuss things" or "Hey, I need to talk to you about something... but not right at this second," and I instantly want to know what's going on. It's like my anxiety hits hyper-drive and I automatically assume the worst. I start looking for clues and I start analyzing all the things I've done lately... last week, last 2 weeks, last 3 months.... to get an idea as far as what's coming.
It's dumb. And I know it is.
I instantly start looking to myself to figure out what's caused me to start acting like I'm in trouble when I'm not, or the feeling of having to explain myself when it's not me who has the issue. All of it is dumb, and I know it. That doesn't make it easier to deal with, though.
As I've come to grips with depression and anxiety / social anxiety, I've come to the realization that sometimes things just don't have to make sense. Sometimes there isn't a reason that things are the way they are. I do know the behaviors that have gotten me here today, and my goal is to get away from these behaviors that cause the crippling levels of anxiety and the spirals down into depression.
I always tell people if they have questions about something pertaining to me to simply ask. Someone did that with me at work a couple of days ago and it was a smooth conversation. I answered their question, and all was well in the world. Hopefully I can get more people to do that, or just accept that people will talk the rumor mill without just asking the questions.
Life goes on as always.
I guess with this blog I try to get the thoughts in my brain onto a forum I can read or understand, so here it goes....
I grew up among the center of conversations. I grew up with people always questioning something about me... my sexuality, my tastes in things in life, what I did, how I did it, why I did it... and a lot of times they snowballed from the small things they were into bigger things that I eventually would have to face, because as all things are in life, they come full-circle. Mostly always I would joke it off and move forward, explaining myself and most of the time, people accepting the truth as it was. Very rarely would I encounter a situation where it was a back-and-forth banter pertaining to parts of my life.
The truth of the situation is that it would essentially cripple me with anxiety. I started wondering what else people were saying about me, or what people were making up about me as a way to bring me down. I guess in a way that contributes to my self-diagnosed need for control. I always need to know what's going on, especially about things pertaining to me.
There have been times lately when I've been told "Hey, we're going to have a meeting to discuss things" or "Hey, I need to talk to you about something... but not right at this second," and I instantly want to know what's going on. It's like my anxiety hits hyper-drive and I automatically assume the worst. I start looking for clues and I start analyzing all the things I've done lately... last week, last 2 weeks, last 3 months.... to get an idea as far as what's coming.
It's dumb. And I know it is.
I instantly start looking to myself to figure out what's caused me to start acting like I'm in trouble when I'm not, or the feeling of having to explain myself when it's not me who has the issue. All of it is dumb, and I know it. That doesn't make it easier to deal with, though.
As I've come to grips with depression and anxiety / social anxiety, I've come to the realization that sometimes things just don't have to make sense. Sometimes there isn't a reason that things are the way they are. I do know the behaviors that have gotten me here today, and my goal is to get away from these behaviors that cause the crippling levels of anxiety and the spirals down into depression.
I always tell people if they have questions about something pertaining to me to simply ask. Someone did that with me at work a couple of days ago and it was a smooth conversation. I answered their question, and all was well in the world. Hopefully I can get more people to do that, or just accept that people will talk the rumor mill without just asking the questions.
Life goes on as always.
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