Behind the Wall.

Yesterday as I was heading home from work, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding a situation he was going through. We talked about levels of controlled happiness and how others unknowingly can dictate our levels of happiness. It sucks because even though you can try as hard as you can, it still becomes a focus that you can't drag away from. I always look at things in a way that pulls you from the situation and allows you to think clearly and thoughtfully about whatever is happening; effectively it prevents you from making irrational decisions that can inversely affect something. 

That's not what this blog is about thought.

One thing I've always fought with is keeping my inner emotions behind a wall. Basically, I get to a point where it's hard for me to truly share how I feel. I get stuck in situations where I'm not sure what to do or where to even go forward, and in those situations I look for others to at least bounce my thoughts off of. It helps sometimes to just have someone to talk to in those situations. What sucks is not feeling like you have anyone to share with. 

At the current moment I find myself in situations I shouldn't be in. Nothing terrible that will land me in trouble, but more or less mental situations where making decisions is key. When you find yourself liking someone, sometimes it's just hard to pull yourself from behind the wall.

I've been hurt or judged a lot thought my life. I've never fit into any pre-determined ideals for anything; I've always been just myself and everything that entails. Unfortunately we live in a world where people like to place labels on your to fit into their pre-determined roles for what they think you should me. For me, this has always meant I'm put into roles that I clearly do not fit in, or roles where I just know I don't mesh into or fit into well. 

With that, I land where I shouldn't, sometimes in situations where I'm almost destined to get hurt. It doesn't really bode well for me as there isn't a win-win situation, or even a win-lose possibility. I struggle though the basic premise at times and just hope for the best; that won't get your far though. Most of the time I just bury my feelings and situations behind the wall, in hopes that they never show themselves or even come out. 

And then they start to.

And then I feel stuck. 

And then I don't know what to do. 

To be frank, I like someone. Or, I feel I do anyways. I'm not really sure because I'm not sure if it's me not wanting to commit to how I feel or if I've just started to push it. But regardless, I find myself liking someone. They're a great person and I feel a good connection there. But how do I go about it without looking like a babbling idiot? What I do in situations like this, I feel, defines my specific being as a person. It sucks because I don't want to make the wrong move and kill a friendship but I don't want to not move and then be left with the thoughts of never knowing. 

In situations like this, there's almost the likely chance that I'll put it behind the wall. Thoughts radiate through my head that make me challenge every possibility or chance I may even have. So instead of being hurt, I just don't ask. I justify it thought reasoning that isn't even legit, at best. 

One thing I want to work on is not being stuck behind the wall. There are always instances where I have to put myself out there and be prepared to possibly be hurt in return. I do look at myself now versus the person I was in 2012 and can definitely see a noticeable change in how I am and how I carry myself. But there's always a bit of me that remains from that person back then. There are things I have to personally work through in order to move forward, but I'm starting to appreciate myself more and more. 

Putting things behind a wall will never help you move forward. Stifling things behind a wall will never allow you to confront those feelings and emotions and drive them forward like they should. There are too many missed moments in life for one to put things behind a wall and simply hope for the best outcome. In the end, I just want to be the strongest person I can be, because I know that I can be. It's just a matter of getting there. 

I know I'm not perfect, and there's always work to be done. But the last thing I should be doing is peering behind the wall at the outcome on the other side. I can only hope that I continue to work on these areas.