Some Silence Isn't Deadly.
[November 25th]
Over the last couple of months I have definitely noticed a shift in my demeanor, one that happens from time to time. I tend to go really rogue and become this "back of the room" type person, one where I simply listen and taken in more than I talk. It use to be that I would do that in situations where everything was very unknown and untrustworthy to me, and was more of a coping mechanism to environments where I didn't feel the most comfortable.
These days, the silence is more to learn. In other words, this silence isn't as deadly as the others have been.
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[December 24th]
I started writing this blog post back on November 25th. The plan was to come back and wrap it up the next day, but I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't think about it -- I've thought over the last several weeks about putting up a blog post -- but the drive to continue to work on myself was more present than sitting in front of a computer screen.
And I did that. I focused in on myself. And the result was more surprising.
Maybe because I'll be turning 28 in a few days, but it seems that the motivation to really hone in on my own mental health has been more prevalent these days than ever. Before I would always say that I felt "at one" with myself or that I truly "felt grounded" when it came to my emotional well-being. I know now that those statements were entirely further away from the truth than I realized. More or less they were just facades to the actual feelings I had in regards to actively taking care of myself.
The end result has me in a place where it's an active process. It doesn't just end with one day, it continues on and onward and consecutively, with no clear end in sight. It just continues. BUT it continues in the fact that I'm working on ME. I'm focusing on ME. I put ME first.
I have challenges in my every day life now that I didn't have before. I'm at a good place that I wasn't at before with my job. I don't outwardly and inwardly care about what others think or perceive about me. I just have focused on me, and it's been great to say the least.
Since the last blog, a few things in my life have changed:
- I said good-bye (kinda) to the Chrysler PT Cruiser as the daily driver and welcomed in a 2003 Ford Explorer XLT into my life. It has permanent All-Wheel Drive (I discovered this a few days ago when I had to make a pull onto the highway and could literally feel the pull into the seat) and it's a lot more reliable. To say that I'm excited and happy is a large understatement. I've always liked the look of the Explorer, especially this particular model year, and this one is a great one. Has a brand-new transmission that I just crossed 1,000 miles with, and although there's still some nuances to get fixed with it, I look at it as a project, one I can continue to work with and make my own. And I like that. I don't mind paying the extra little bit and working on the little bit with a car that I actually like.
- I'm currently in the process of searching for my own place to live. Again, I'm turning 28 in a few days. Beyond the fact that it's been past time for me to live on my own again, I'm just yearning for a place to call my own. Keep in mind that I'm not looking to buy, as I don't necessarily consider California to be my forever home. I still have a lot of looking to do in regards to establishing hard-core stability in my life. However, it's been great to have the opportunity that I've had to live in Fairfield, but there isn't a lot here and to be frank, I feel as though the welcome mat is halfway gone. (Those who know me know what that particularly means.) I've kept my searches into the Yolo County / Sacramento County areas as I currently work in Sacramento, and I like the area. We'll see what happens though.
- I'm actually within arms reach of a nice promotion at work. I've said all along that I was "ready" to move up and actually take on leadership and responsibility. I had no idea what leadership and responsibility were until recently. I work as a part of our on-site Auction at the CarMax I work at, which brings with it challenges and hurdles to overcome along the way. I love the environment, and I want it to be the best. I've also learned what it's like to lean on and depend on others to help, and that I don't have to do it all. I'll be first to say that it was a huge challenge for me to release control and depend on my team, as well as to stop making excuses and take ownership. The breakthrough happened within the last few months, and once it clicked, it set in deep and made a nest. It's truly been awesome to look at myself 6 months ago, and then look at myself now. Completely different person. After my most recent file review with one of my managers, I wholeheartedly feel I'm making the right steps for the first time, and successful in all areas.
I've talked with my peers and those around me, who all have said that the overall differences and changes with me are noticeable to say the least. It makes me smile knowing that those changes I've looked to make, both internally and externally viewed, are noticed. It gives me the confidence I've never had to step up and actually make changes, even making a difference in some cases.
[December 26th]
I've settled into a lot of things about myself as well over the last few months as well. For so long I felt as though I had to be another person to be a part of the crowd. I felt as though I had to do things I wasn't necessarily a fan of just to fit in, but now I feel confident enough in myself to know that I can just do what makes me happy/comfortable. At the end of the day that's what matters the most.
Taking time for myself this year has definitely been something I'm not use to. In a way I kinda went rogue, limiting my communication on social media, focusing more on friendships and those who mattered most, while at the same time doing what I could to make a future for myself, or trying to anyway. I was finally able to start letting go of things that have had a strangle-hold on my mind for so long, and simply just chill. There's still a lot of things left to do and a lot more to accomplish, but at this point there's a lot that I've done and the changes that it's invoked are definitely ones to continue to pull me into a positive direction.
I feel better. I look better. I have a desire and challenge that I haven't had for a long time, and I think a lot of that came from just becoming comfortable where I was in my life. Things were "easy" and "simple" and I didn't have to put in a lot of work. Some things just came naturally to me, and therefore didn't require the extra energy to get to the extra mile. But to get to where I want to go, that's something that I have to move forward past.
Heading into 2017, I want to continue to focus on those friendships and people who matter to me, but more in a way. I want those connections to be genuine and never to feel one-sided. I want people to know that I care about them, and feel that they care about me. To get to that requires work and trust, something I value wholeheartedly. I want to be at a place in my life where if I took an above-view of everything, I'm happy with where I am, but still have the challenge and desire to continue to do better. I know at points I'm going to make mistakes and fall, and that's okay. What matters is how I pick myself back up and continue to move forward.
I'm also going back into the gym, but that's a whole other battle I'll have to deal with (I'm not gonna lie, I do enjoy sleep).....
2016 was different. It wasn't what I expected (I don't think anyone can disagree with this statement for themselves either). But I feel as though I actually did learn a lot this time around, and didn't just say it to believe it. This time, I actually believe the words I'm looking at, not trying to talk myself into believing the words I'm looking at. I'm just hopeful that 2017 will continue to expand on what I was able to start on in 2016.
I hope everyone had a great Holiday Season.
Enjoy your day off (if you're fortunate). Think of me as I'm at work with my co-horts.
And as always....
Until next time, folks.
Over the last couple of months I have definitely noticed a shift in my demeanor, one that happens from time to time. I tend to go really rogue and become this "back of the room" type person, one where I simply listen and taken in more than I talk. It use to be that I would do that in situations where everything was very unknown and untrustworthy to me, and was more of a coping mechanism to environments where I didn't feel the most comfortable.
These days, the silence is more to learn. In other words, this silence isn't as deadly as the others have been.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[December 24th]
I started writing this blog post back on November 25th. The plan was to come back and wrap it up the next day, but I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't think about it -- I've thought over the last several weeks about putting up a blog post -- but the drive to continue to work on myself was more present than sitting in front of a computer screen.
And I did that. I focused in on myself. And the result was more surprising.
Maybe because I'll be turning 28 in a few days, but it seems that the motivation to really hone in on my own mental health has been more prevalent these days than ever. Before I would always say that I felt "at one" with myself or that I truly "felt grounded" when it came to my emotional well-being. I know now that those statements were entirely further away from the truth than I realized. More or less they were just facades to the actual feelings I had in regards to actively taking care of myself.
The end result has me in a place where it's an active process. It doesn't just end with one day, it continues on and onward and consecutively, with no clear end in sight. It just continues. BUT it continues in the fact that I'm working on ME. I'm focusing on ME. I put ME first.
I have challenges in my every day life now that I didn't have before. I'm at a good place that I wasn't at before with my job. I don't outwardly and inwardly care about what others think or perceive about me. I just have focused on me, and it's been great to say the least.
Since the last blog, a few things in my life have changed:
- I said good-bye (kinda) to the Chrysler PT Cruiser as the daily driver and welcomed in a 2003 Ford Explorer XLT into my life. It has permanent All-Wheel Drive (I discovered this a few days ago when I had to make a pull onto the highway and could literally feel the pull into the seat) and it's a lot more reliable. To say that I'm excited and happy is a large understatement. I've always liked the look of the Explorer, especially this particular model year, and this one is a great one. Has a brand-new transmission that I just crossed 1,000 miles with, and although there's still some nuances to get fixed with it, I look at it as a project, one I can continue to work with and make my own. And I like that. I don't mind paying the extra little bit and working on the little bit with a car that I actually like.
- I'm currently in the process of searching for my own place to live. Again, I'm turning 28 in a few days. Beyond the fact that it's been past time for me to live on my own again, I'm just yearning for a place to call my own. Keep in mind that I'm not looking to buy, as I don't necessarily consider California to be my forever home. I still have a lot of looking to do in regards to establishing hard-core stability in my life. However, it's been great to have the opportunity that I've had to live in Fairfield, but there isn't a lot here and to be frank, I feel as though the welcome mat is halfway gone. (Those who know me know what that particularly means.) I've kept my searches into the Yolo County / Sacramento County areas as I currently work in Sacramento, and I like the area. We'll see what happens though.
- I'm actually within arms reach of a nice promotion at work. I've said all along that I was "ready" to move up and actually take on leadership and responsibility. I had no idea what leadership and responsibility were until recently. I work as a part of our on-site Auction at the CarMax I work at, which brings with it challenges and hurdles to overcome along the way. I love the environment, and I want it to be the best. I've also learned what it's like to lean on and depend on others to help, and that I don't have to do it all. I'll be first to say that it was a huge challenge for me to release control and depend on my team, as well as to stop making excuses and take ownership. The breakthrough happened within the last few months, and once it clicked, it set in deep and made a nest. It's truly been awesome to look at myself 6 months ago, and then look at myself now. Completely different person. After my most recent file review with one of my managers, I wholeheartedly feel I'm making the right steps for the first time, and successful in all areas.
I've talked with my peers and those around me, who all have said that the overall differences and changes with me are noticeable to say the least. It makes me smile knowing that those changes I've looked to make, both internally and externally viewed, are noticed. It gives me the confidence I've never had to step up and actually make changes, even making a difference in some cases.
[December 26th]
I've settled into a lot of things about myself as well over the last few months as well. For so long I felt as though I had to be another person to be a part of the crowd. I felt as though I had to do things I wasn't necessarily a fan of just to fit in, but now I feel confident enough in myself to know that I can just do what makes me happy/comfortable. At the end of the day that's what matters the most.
Taking time for myself this year has definitely been something I'm not use to. In a way I kinda went rogue, limiting my communication on social media, focusing more on friendships and those who mattered most, while at the same time doing what I could to make a future for myself, or trying to anyway. I was finally able to start letting go of things that have had a strangle-hold on my mind for so long, and simply just chill. There's still a lot of things left to do and a lot more to accomplish, but at this point there's a lot that I've done and the changes that it's invoked are definitely ones to continue to pull me into a positive direction.
I feel better. I look better. I have a desire and challenge that I haven't had for a long time, and I think a lot of that came from just becoming comfortable where I was in my life. Things were "easy" and "simple" and I didn't have to put in a lot of work. Some things just came naturally to me, and therefore didn't require the extra energy to get to the extra mile. But to get to where I want to go, that's something that I have to move forward past.
Heading into 2017, I want to continue to focus on those friendships and people who matter to me, but more in a way. I want those connections to be genuine and never to feel one-sided. I want people to know that I care about them, and feel that they care about me. To get to that requires work and trust, something I value wholeheartedly. I want to be at a place in my life where if I took an above-view of everything, I'm happy with where I am, but still have the challenge and desire to continue to do better. I know at points I'm going to make mistakes and fall, and that's okay. What matters is how I pick myself back up and continue to move forward.
I'm also going back into the gym, but that's a whole other battle I'll have to deal with (I'm not gonna lie, I do enjoy sleep).....
2016 was different. It wasn't what I expected (I don't think anyone can disagree with this statement for themselves either). But I feel as though I actually did learn a lot this time around, and didn't just say it to believe it. This time, I actually believe the words I'm looking at, not trying to talk myself into believing the words I'm looking at. I'm just hopeful that 2017 will continue to expand on what I was able to start on in 2016.
I hope everyone had a great Holiday Season.
Enjoy your day off (if you're fortunate). Think of me as I'm at work with my co-horts.
And as always....
Until next time, folks.
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