My Mental Health Trek
One thing I've remained very tight-lipped on is the extent of my mental health journey. I never really talked about it because I felt as though it would make me appear weak or incredibly different, something that as a self-proclaimed introvert, was scary. As I've improved my overall quality of life, it's one thing I've always found myself going back to. As a lot of things have changed in my life it's always something I reflect back on.
To properly explain, I have to take you back to June 17th, 2005. This was three days before my mom passed away from terminal cancer. This would also be the last time I would ever see my mom alive before she was taken to the hospice center. I never went to visit with my mom after that moment; primarily my dad would go, and my grandma would stay at the house with me. He never asked, I never volunteered. I think my dad was doing his best to shield me from the horrors that were watching my mom wither away before our eyes.
I distinctly remember a grief counselor coming out to the house after my mom passed and after the funeral. I don't remember her name, but I remember seeing her outside one day as I came home from somewhere; I distinctly remember standing outside with her for a couple of hours, just talking. She was very attentive and very focused on the words I was saying. She wasn't trying to ease the pain, but instead offer a set of ears to talk into. I can't tell you for sure how many times after that she came back out, but I know it couldn't have been more than 3. Something always told me that my dad was the one to put an end to that, but I never asked.
I never fully dealt with my mom's passing. I instead dove head-first into occupation, like Marching Band and school. Band became my outlet for a lot of my frustrations, but I also never really talked much about it and no one pushed the subject. I got into my fair share of trouble, but anytime I ever felt the emotions coming to surface, I would stifle them back down. Pretty soon I felt as though I was more of a time clock waiting to explode.
Throughout college I had my fair share of experiences and life-altering moments. I was kicked out of my music studio and forced to change majors, dealt with a lot of self-discovery and self-confidence issues, dealt with my share of friendship problems and trust issues, along with more emotional burials than I can really detail. Deep down I became this emotionally unstable, jealous individual that would mask it underneath a smile and determination to succeed. There would be moments of clarity where I thought I was breaking through. There were moments of determination where I wanted to fix everything. But truth be told, I was comfortable. Things were easy and I didn't want to have to put the work in to change, deep down. I'd always fall back into the status quo, because I didn't have the challenge to want to change. I had control over the situation and could change it, but didn't want to put in the work.
Fast forward to July of 2012, when I moved California. I moved in with my dad and my stepmother. While having a roof over my head was a positive, not much changed about my mental state. I felt more alone than ever, and with nothing to distract my thoughts and nothing to occupy my time outside of applying for job after job after job with no success, I began to unravel slowly, and I found myself in this really unhealthy place. Keep in mind as well that moving back in with your parents, after being on your own for a number of years, can really change your viewpoint, especially with a strict parent (and yes, even as an adult).
I say all of that to say that I reached a point in my life where I felt as though I couldn't do much, if anything, right. I felt as though I couldn't get a foot in any door, advance forward, and I had a total lack of confidence and self-esteem. It felt as though I was knocked down before I even could get up, and, in a dramatic sense, I felt as though there wasn't much hope of change.
Once I started working for CarMax, a lot more independence showed itself. I was slowly able to establish my own stake in what I was doing, and slowly things shifted. Probably my biggest changes and shifts have happened within the last 6-9 months, all fueled with at-work performances.
I've talked about it before, but I work with our on-site Auctions, having done so since September of 2014. It was my first big project to be a part of, and as time grew forward I developed a knack for it, one that continues to this day. But at one point, I wanted to separate myself from it, as I felt it was holding me back from my true potential. I looked at Auction as something that would hinder my growth, and as a result I shifted away from it entirely at one point. I didn't have a huge hand in Auction from March to July of 2016, coming back on after an employee left the company. It was here that things started shifting directions and I wanted to use Auction as a fuel to help my growth and help my development.
6 months later, the entire landscape has changed. I have a team around me consistently who strives to be the best that it can be, and are just as passionate about it as I am. They want to see the success and continue to build on what we have, and it makes me super confident and comfortable to step away at times. For instance, I wasn't in the office this past Monday for the Auction, and the rest of the team put everything together and ran it just fine without me. It felt great to hear back from those guys and know that they were able to do things greatly without me. It makes me feel confident that what we're doing is in the right direction and will only get better with time.
These changes have transpired in areas around my own personal development, and I find myself in a much better position now than ever. It's shifted my entire mindset, and now-a-days I find myself totally chill and laid-back. I'm quiet, but now in a way to allow me to listen and take in everything. I'm laid-back, but totally serious at the same time. It really helps knowing that the rewards of the hard work are really showing themselves, and it's only boosted my confidence, both work related and otherwise.
I've also made it a goal to take care of myself. One thing that lacks is an overall sense of watching after myself. I know that I'm a top priority now. I know that I matter the most. It's okay to have bad days but it's how I rebound that matters most. I made a vow to myself to take some time away, even if it's my normal "weekend" and do something. Go somewhere. See something new. Spend time with people who matter. Make new friends even.
Even if it's by myself, get out there and see the world. This past weekend I was fortunate to see Alcatraz Island and tour a lot of the city, places I haven't seen before. It felt great to do something different, and I want to do more of that. I talk about it all the time but I never commit to doing so.
I've never felt as excited about the unknown as I have lately. There's a bit of challenge in my life that wasn't there before, and I want to make things work as best I can. I think that's the difference; I want to make them work versus having to force it. When things become forced you enjoy it a lot less. I don't want it to be perfect, I just want it to be something I can continue to improve on and learn from. I want 2017 to be a year where I look back and am proud of where I've gotten to.
I guess that starts with doing laundry so that I have clothes to wear when I'm not at home. It's getting too cold for shorts.
Until next time, folks.
To properly explain, I have to take you back to June 17th, 2005. This was three days before my mom passed away from terminal cancer. This would also be the last time I would ever see my mom alive before she was taken to the hospice center. I never went to visit with my mom after that moment; primarily my dad would go, and my grandma would stay at the house with me. He never asked, I never volunteered. I think my dad was doing his best to shield me from the horrors that were watching my mom wither away before our eyes.
I distinctly remember a grief counselor coming out to the house after my mom passed and after the funeral. I don't remember her name, but I remember seeing her outside one day as I came home from somewhere; I distinctly remember standing outside with her for a couple of hours, just talking. She was very attentive and very focused on the words I was saying. She wasn't trying to ease the pain, but instead offer a set of ears to talk into. I can't tell you for sure how many times after that she came back out, but I know it couldn't have been more than 3. Something always told me that my dad was the one to put an end to that, but I never asked.
I never fully dealt with my mom's passing. I instead dove head-first into occupation, like Marching Band and school. Band became my outlet for a lot of my frustrations, but I also never really talked much about it and no one pushed the subject. I got into my fair share of trouble, but anytime I ever felt the emotions coming to surface, I would stifle them back down. Pretty soon I felt as though I was more of a time clock waiting to explode.
Throughout college I had my fair share of experiences and life-altering moments. I was kicked out of my music studio and forced to change majors, dealt with a lot of self-discovery and self-confidence issues, dealt with my share of friendship problems and trust issues, along with more emotional burials than I can really detail. Deep down I became this emotionally unstable, jealous individual that would mask it underneath a smile and determination to succeed. There would be moments of clarity where I thought I was breaking through. There were moments of determination where I wanted to fix everything. But truth be told, I was comfortable. Things were easy and I didn't want to have to put the work in to change, deep down. I'd always fall back into the status quo, because I didn't have the challenge to want to change. I had control over the situation and could change it, but didn't want to put in the work.
Fast forward to July of 2012, when I moved California. I moved in with my dad and my stepmother. While having a roof over my head was a positive, not much changed about my mental state. I felt more alone than ever, and with nothing to distract my thoughts and nothing to occupy my time outside of applying for job after job after job with no success, I began to unravel slowly, and I found myself in this really unhealthy place. Keep in mind as well that moving back in with your parents, after being on your own for a number of years, can really change your viewpoint, especially with a strict parent (and yes, even as an adult).
I say all of that to say that I reached a point in my life where I felt as though I couldn't do much, if anything, right. I felt as though I couldn't get a foot in any door, advance forward, and I had a total lack of confidence and self-esteem. It felt as though I was knocked down before I even could get up, and, in a dramatic sense, I felt as though there wasn't much hope of change.
Once I started working for CarMax, a lot more independence showed itself. I was slowly able to establish my own stake in what I was doing, and slowly things shifted. Probably my biggest changes and shifts have happened within the last 6-9 months, all fueled with at-work performances.
I've talked about it before, but I work with our on-site Auctions, having done so since September of 2014. It was my first big project to be a part of, and as time grew forward I developed a knack for it, one that continues to this day. But at one point, I wanted to separate myself from it, as I felt it was holding me back from my true potential. I looked at Auction as something that would hinder my growth, and as a result I shifted away from it entirely at one point. I didn't have a huge hand in Auction from March to July of 2016, coming back on after an employee left the company. It was here that things started shifting directions and I wanted to use Auction as a fuel to help my growth and help my development.
6 months later, the entire landscape has changed. I have a team around me consistently who strives to be the best that it can be, and are just as passionate about it as I am. They want to see the success and continue to build on what we have, and it makes me super confident and comfortable to step away at times. For instance, I wasn't in the office this past Monday for the Auction, and the rest of the team put everything together and ran it just fine without me. It felt great to hear back from those guys and know that they were able to do things greatly without me. It makes me feel confident that what we're doing is in the right direction and will only get better with time.
These changes have transpired in areas around my own personal development, and I find myself in a much better position now than ever. It's shifted my entire mindset, and now-a-days I find myself totally chill and laid-back. I'm quiet, but now in a way to allow me to listen and take in everything. I'm laid-back, but totally serious at the same time. It really helps knowing that the rewards of the hard work are really showing themselves, and it's only boosted my confidence, both work related and otherwise.
I've also made it a goal to take care of myself. One thing that lacks is an overall sense of watching after myself. I know that I'm a top priority now. I know that I matter the most. It's okay to have bad days but it's how I rebound that matters most. I made a vow to myself to take some time away, even if it's my normal "weekend" and do something. Go somewhere. See something new. Spend time with people who matter. Make new friends even.
Even if it's by myself, get out there and see the world. This past weekend I was fortunate to see Alcatraz Island and tour a lot of the city, places I haven't seen before. It felt great to do something different, and I want to do more of that. I talk about it all the time but I never commit to doing so.
I've never felt as excited about the unknown as I have lately. There's a bit of challenge in my life that wasn't there before, and I want to make things work as best I can. I think that's the difference; I want to make them work versus having to force it. When things become forced you enjoy it a lot less. I don't want it to be perfect, I just want it to be something I can continue to improve on and learn from. I want 2017 to be a year where I look back and am proud of where I've gotten to.
I guess that starts with doing laundry so that I have clothes to wear when I'm not at home. It's getting too cold for shorts.
Until next time, folks.
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