It's Still Hard to Share Sometimes.
So I'm sitting here getting ready to go to bed, and doing my usual wind-down to get ready, and all of a sudden this blog idea hits my mind. Naturally, right? I think a lot of it has to do with where my mind's been over the last few months. There's been some challenges and difficulties I've found myself facing, and more or less having to find a way to work through and deal with them, sometimes more or less head-on.
I think what's made it worse too is that in some cases, even when searching out the answers, I still haven't been able to find them.
In an overall sense, sometimes it's still hard for me to share things. Some things come easily to talk about and share, as they are a part of my story and what makes up a significant portion of who I am. But there's still that little part of me that sometimes finds it difficult to share those items. I know that makes it hard to move past some things at times, and while I try and fight it to the nail, it still becomes a bit difficult to move past. I've learned to let go and move forward, but there's been times where as much as I've wanted to it's been difficult to loosen the grip and move forward. Unanswered questions hold me back a lot, and it becomes something that I thoroughly wonder about.
The best example of this is a situation I found myself in earlier this year. At the beginning of January, I met someone who I found myself very much attracted to, both physically and mentally. It came seemingly out of nowhere, moving so quickly that it took me by surprise. While there was a part of me that was apprehensive, I very much liked this person and wanted to get to know them further. I could actually see myself dating this person for a long period of time. We met in person, so I was able to confirm that this was indeed an actual human being and not a figment of my imagination. In person, the chemistry clicked just as well, and it all felt very natural. It all felt authentic, and it made me excited to be honest. We made plans together to spend time and continue getting to know each other, different dates and the like. We shared a lot of things in common and had very similar interests, and could identify with the others' hobbies and interests. For ME, this felt too good to be true, but I went for it.
As quickly as it happened, it all stopped just as quickly.
One day I went for a walk with my stepmother, as was my normal routine on my days off. I text this person a photo of my walk as I normally had done prior, and realized they had blocked my number. Through a quick investigation I also came to find out they had deleted me off all social media and blocked me from communicating with them on such as well. This seemingly came out of thin air, with no reason why or what happened to lead to this point. They just.... vanished. No answers, nothing. All I could do is ask myself a single question: Why?
I'll never truly get the answers from that situation that I want. While it was a VERY short period of time in my life -- this all happened within a month -- I felt a deep connection with said person that I hadn't felt in quite a long time. For that to be gone with absolutely zero explanation, to me, visibly bothered me for some time and will probably continue to bother me at some expense for a while, or until someone comes along to prove that there are even more good people in the world to date.
Over the last few months I've found it difficult to share some things. It's been an odd feeling, especially knowing that people trust me with things and like to talk to me about a lot of things going on.... seeking advice, looking for help, looking for a trusting ear to talk to, and often times, as much as I'd like to, I easily forget about myself and all the things going on in my mind that I want to share. I always feel like I'll steal from that person's moment of time, or that what I'm thinking of is insignificant or non-important. Of course those are all falsehoods, but it's hard to combat that feeling sometimes. It's a hurdle that I know I have to get over; I just have to find the way to break it.
The beginning of this year has been very interesting. It's caused me to ask myself a lot of questions and seek out answers that I may not necessarily have. But it's making me look for those answers to those questions that I've avoided for a while. Honestly? This may be a good thing, even though it scares me to death. I can only hope the outcome is what I've been looking for.
Until next time.
I think what's made it worse too is that in some cases, even when searching out the answers, I still haven't been able to find them.
In an overall sense, sometimes it's still hard for me to share things. Some things come easily to talk about and share, as they are a part of my story and what makes up a significant portion of who I am. But there's still that little part of me that sometimes finds it difficult to share those items. I know that makes it hard to move past some things at times, and while I try and fight it to the nail, it still becomes a bit difficult to move past. I've learned to let go and move forward, but there's been times where as much as I've wanted to it's been difficult to loosen the grip and move forward. Unanswered questions hold me back a lot, and it becomes something that I thoroughly wonder about.
The best example of this is a situation I found myself in earlier this year. At the beginning of January, I met someone who I found myself very much attracted to, both physically and mentally. It came seemingly out of nowhere, moving so quickly that it took me by surprise. While there was a part of me that was apprehensive, I very much liked this person and wanted to get to know them further. I could actually see myself dating this person for a long period of time. We met in person, so I was able to confirm that this was indeed an actual human being and not a figment of my imagination. In person, the chemistry clicked just as well, and it all felt very natural. It all felt authentic, and it made me excited to be honest. We made plans together to spend time and continue getting to know each other, different dates and the like. We shared a lot of things in common and had very similar interests, and could identify with the others' hobbies and interests. For ME, this felt too good to be true, but I went for it.
As quickly as it happened, it all stopped just as quickly.
One day I went for a walk with my stepmother, as was my normal routine on my days off. I text this person a photo of my walk as I normally had done prior, and realized they had blocked my number. Through a quick investigation I also came to find out they had deleted me off all social media and blocked me from communicating with them on such as well. This seemingly came out of thin air, with no reason why or what happened to lead to this point. They just.... vanished. No answers, nothing. All I could do is ask myself a single question: Why?
I'll never truly get the answers from that situation that I want. While it was a VERY short period of time in my life -- this all happened within a month -- I felt a deep connection with said person that I hadn't felt in quite a long time. For that to be gone with absolutely zero explanation, to me, visibly bothered me for some time and will probably continue to bother me at some expense for a while, or until someone comes along to prove that there are even more good people in the world to date.
Over the last few months I've found it difficult to share some things. It's been an odd feeling, especially knowing that people trust me with things and like to talk to me about a lot of things going on.... seeking advice, looking for help, looking for a trusting ear to talk to, and often times, as much as I'd like to, I easily forget about myself and all the things going on in my mind that I want to share. I always feel like I'll steal from that person's moment of time, or that what I'm thinking of is insignificant or non-important. Of course those are all falsehoods, but it's hard to combat that feeling sometimes. It's a hurdle that I know I have to get over; I just have to find the way to break it.
The beginning of this year has been very interesting. It's caused me to ask myself a lot of questions and seek out answers that I may not necessarily have. But it's making me look for those answers to those questions that I've avoided for a while. Honestly? This may be a good thing, even though it scares me to death. I can only hope the outcome is what I've been looking for.
Until next time.
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