It's Getting Better....
Last night, I was on Skype with some friends, and I looked at the calendar, mostly because I was aiming to plan the rest of my CA Vacation.
It was then I realized that the 5-year Anniversary of my mom's death had come and gone and I didn't even flinch. What's worse is that on that day, it was Father's Day. I guess when you're in life, moving on, you don't think about it much until later.
I always though that my mom's death date would never leave me. Move on? Who moves on from that?? No one, in my known mindset. I honestly never could figure out what moving on actually meant.
Last year, it started, with certain things. I always think about my mom, but it went from being something that was my every waking thought to something that I would think about, but I had peace with it. And it still felt good. I finally realized what people meant when they said that she would always be with me, and that she was a part of me, always.
For those who don't know, or care to, my mom was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, one found in the advanced stages. Her survival expectancy wasn't very high, but was manageable. She underwent several rounds of chemotherapy and radiation therapy, but complications hit with every turn. It would work with one, not the other, then hit that one spot, and not others. When Mother's Day 2005 rolled around I knew that things would get worse, which they did.
She eventually lost the strength to talk. That slowly transpired to her losing the strength to even get out of bed. Food was upsetting her stomach like crazy, and the pain was so unbearable she was basically on morphine consistently, which kept her asleep a lot. It hurt to see her going through all of that, and, well, it made me grow up quickly. With my dad fully taking care of my mom, I was left to do things on my own a lot.
When June 20th, 2005 rolled around, my mom had been in a Hospice facility for a few days. We knew that it was only a matter of hours before my mom died. So instead of having her suffer at home, we decided to move her to Brunswick, where doctors could monitor her everyday. They did their best, but there's only so long....
I remember being in my room on my computer when the phone call came through. It was late in the evening, after my dad and grandma had come back from the facility. They brought me downstairs and explained it to me, that it would be a miracle for her to live through the night into tomorrow. Sure enough, an hour after that conversation, the phone call came.
I remember being frozen in disbelief, anger, depression, and a field of emotions. I was glad my mom didn't have to suffer, but at 16 years old, I was a full-fledged mama's boy. So to know that my mother would never come back through that garage door after being at work that day was something that I struggled with for a long time.
Every time her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Mother's Day rolled around, for 2 years, I would cry. My dad NEVER understood -- until recently when his mom / my grandmother passed away -- why that happened to me, and I couldn't explain it in a way he understood.
As time's gone on now, the void isn't filled in the sense of that, but I have a wonderful nest of family and friends around me. Since then, my dad's remarried, and I absolutely adore my stepmom. She and I have the same type of relationship my mom and I were beginning to form to -- I was a rebel at the ripe ages of 14-16 -- which is something I couldn't be more grateful for.
Sometimes you get handed a hand you don't like. But sometimes you have the opportunity to take that hand and make it into something that you can work with. It may not be the best of situations, but in most cases, I've learned that things in life happen as they're suppose to. We can't control what happens in our lives, but we can control what we do with the time we have.
I learned to never have regrets in my life. Focusing on what I could've done, when I have the time to do what I want to, deters from moving forward. If something doesn't go the way I want to, alright... keep moving it on. Chalk it up as a life lesson, make it a distant memory. I learn from every experience I have in my life now, because from there, it gives me knowledge to share with others, something I want to do here.
... whew, that definitely wasn't in the stars when I started this today. [lol]
Oh, I started a "collab blog" with some friends today. One a Day.... Right now it's just got me, and my friends Chris and Deanna. Hopefully I'll get 3 more on board for a 6-day thing, MAYBE a guest thing every once-in-a-while. : ) Want the link?
http://one-dose-daily.blogspot.com/
Check it out!
Well, I'm out friends. Until next time.....
Peace easy, friends.
It was then I realized that the 5-year Anniversary of my mom's death had come and gone and I didn't even flinch. What's worse is that on that day, it was Father's Day. I guess when you're in life, moving on, you don't think about it much until later.
I always though that my mom's death date would never leave me. Move on? Who moves on from that?? No one, in my known mindset. I honestly never could figure out what moving on actually meant.
Last year, it started, with certain things. I always think about my mom, but it went from being something that was my every waking thought to something that I would think about, but I had peace with it. And it still felt good. I finally realized what people meant when they said that she would always be with me, and that she was a part of me, always.
For those who don't know, or care to, my mom was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, one found in the advanced stages. Her survival expectancy wasn't very high, but was manageable. She underwent several rounds of chemotherapy and radiation therapy, but complications hit with every turn. It would work with one, not the other, then hit that one spot, and not others. When Mother's Day 2005 rolled around I knew that things would get worse, which they did.
She eventually lost the strength to talk. That slowly transpired to her losing the strength to even get out of bed. Food was upsetting her stomach like crazy, and the pain was so unbearable she was basically on morphine consistently, which kept her asleep a lot. It hurt to see her going through all of that, and, well, it made me grow up quickly. With my dad fully taking care of my mom, I was left to do things on my own a lot.
When June 20th, 2005 rolled around, my mom had been in a Hospice facility for a few days. We knew that it was only a matter of hours before my mom died. So instead of having her suffer at home, we decided to move her to Brunswick, where doctors could monitor her everyday. They did their best, but there's only so long....
I remember being in my room on my computer when the phone call came through. It was late in the evening, after my dad and grandma had come back from the facility. They brought me downstairs and explained it to me, that it would be a miracle for her to live through the night into tomorrow. Sure enough, an hour after that conversation, the phone call came.
I remember being frozen in disbelief, anger, depression, and a field of emotions. I was glad my mom didn't have to suffer, but at 16 years old, I was a full-fledged mama's boy. So to know that my mother would never come back through that garage door after being at work that day was something that I struggled with for a long time.
Every time her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Mother's Day rolled around, for 2 years, I would cry. My dad NEVER understood -- until recently when his mom / my grandmother passed away -- why that happened to me, and I couldn't explain it in a way he understood.
As time's gone on now, the void isn't filled in the sense of that, but I have a wonderful nest of family and friends around me. Since then, my dad's remarried, and I absolutely adore my stepmom. She and I have the same type of relationship my mom and I were beginning to form to -- I was a rebel at the ripe ages of 14-16 -- which is something I couldn't be more grateful for.
Sometimes you get handed a hand you don't like. But sometimes you have the opportunity to take that hand and make it into something that you can work with. It may not be the best of situations, but in most cases, I've learned that things in life happen as they're suppose to. We can't control what happens in our lives, but we can control what we do with the time we have.
I learned to never have regrets in my life. Focusing on what I could've done, when I have the time to do what I want to, deters from moving forward. If something doesn't go the way I want to, alright... keep moving it on. Chalk it up as a life lesson, make it a distant memory. I learn from every experience I have in my life now, because from there, it gives me knowledge to share with others, something I want to do here.
... whew, that definitely wasn't in the stars when I started this today. [lol]
Oh, I started a "collab blog" with some friends today. One a Day.... Right now it's just got me, and my friends Chris and Deanna. Hopefully I'll get 3 more on board for a 6-day thing, MAYBE a guest thing every once-in-a-while. : ) Want the link?
http://one-dose-daily.blogspot.com/
Check it out!
Well, I'm out friends. Until next time.....
Peace easy, friends.
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