Time to Evaluate.
As 2014 comes to a close and I look ahead to having to get into a habit of writing a new year on tons of paperwork I sign a day, a lot of things flood into my mind, and for the most part, I know that no matter what, it's time to plant the seed of change and stick through to the end.
Lately I've been evaluating my life and the things around it. It's hard for me to be happy. It's hard for me to find the positives. It's hard for me to stick through to the end on a lot of things when I feel this sense of hopelessness. Ever since I came back to California I've had this sense of failure and lack of living up to expectations, and it's been a hard pill to swallow. Some of those things I had control over and either was too lazy and didn't get ahead of it, or turned a blind eye and pretended it would get better. A lot of it is simply things I had no control over, but sadly due to my control issues, are the things I thought about the most.
Thanksgiving 2014 was a turning point in my thought process. I won't go into specifics on what happened that particular day, but it's set into place a series of events and wheels that will probably change how I view the holidays for a while. Today, Christmas Day, I felt incredibly awkward and confused half the time, as the true meaning and spirit of Christmas was not only absent in my own mind, but in the mind of others I was around. It's like slowly but surely, Christmas is becoming just another day on the calendar, and I hate that feeling so much.
Basically, some things need to change.
I feel like I'm slowly coming into my own as a person. For so long I've hated who I am in all facets of the word. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin almost, whether physically or mentally. For a long time I was brought up to fit into a certain mold, to live out the dreams that others could not. For a long time, I ignored interests, lack of interests, desires, and simply gave in to what was around me. Mentally, that breaks you down a lot, because you know you're not happy, and you know you're not really wanting to do it, but you do it anyway because, at least in my case, you never want to disappoint. A lot of things in my mind are almost like a switch I can flip on or off depending on the people I'm around. Or, at least, that's how it was anyway.
As I walk into 2015 I know things have to change. It's time for things to really change. I have to take care of myself, and not just say that I'm going to take care of myself. I have to put myself first, and not just say that I'm going to put myself first. A lot of it comes down to learning once again how to say no, which believe or not, was a thing that wasn't difficult for me, but now has become so. It's about taking responsibility for my actions, learning when I have too much on my plate and not enough time to do it all, and learning when to ask for help when I need it. Oh, and just being up front about who I am as a person.
I've given myself a few things I'd like to accomplish in 2015, specifically when it comes to getting it done:
1) Go back to Georgia: I've said for so long a trip back to my roots is what I need to re-ground myself. People have come and gone in terms of who is still in Statesboro, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to at least see what all has changed since I departed from Savannah for the final time in July of 2012. If all works accordingly, I will have that opportunity sometime in 2015. I just can't talk about it just yet. : )
2) Moving out: It's long overdue for me to get back on my own two feet. California is a hard environment to get out there on your own without some help. I won't have that help, so I'll be doing it all on my own. Staying in Fairfield isn't an option, but I can't say for certain I'm gonna move to Sacramento until I know I'll be there with a good-paying job for some time. But, none the less, it's something I still am thinking about, and will start crunching those numbers together come February.
3) Back to the Gym, 2015 Edition: I've started workout kicks before. All of them have failed. Sadly 2013 was my most successful year, and then when I started working at Best Buy it completely failed. As I stare at the end of 2014 I haven't stepped foot in a gym in months. I have the desire, I have the setting at home to promote the change, so there's nothing in my way other than laziness. It's time to overcome that.
4) It's Back to My Roots: On a daily basis I am picked on & get made fun of for various things, whether it's my vehicle of choice, how I sound, what I wear, what I do, the music I listen to..... whatever. For the most part I use to ignore all of it and keep moving. Now, I let it bother me. I dunno exactly what I have to do in order to overcome this, but I'm gonna figure it out well before we get to 2015, because I need to start figuring THAT out tomorrow when I head to work. I need to get back to the core person that I am: a hard worker who is focused on the tasks at hand, thinks critically, and evaluates everything in front of them. I'm also quiet and reserved at moments, which isn't a bad thing at all. Just keeps me focused.
All-in-all, everything I do now is about what I want for my life. It's time to evaluate everything going on in my life and figure out what's working and what's not.... and if it's not, then it's time to remove it from my life and keep moving. Life isn't about rainbows and peace, but it's important to figure out who you are and what makes you tick every day.
It's time to evaluate.
Later, folks.
Lately I've been evaluating my life and the things around it. It's hard for me to be happy. It's hard for me to find the positives. It's hard for me to stick through to the end on a lot of things when I feel this sense of hopelessness. Ever since I came back to California I've had this sense of failure and lack of living up to expectations, and it's been a hard pill to swallow. Some of those things I had control over and either was too lazy and didn't get ahead of it, or turned a blind eye and pretended it would get better. A lot of it is simply things I had no control over, but sadly due to my control issues, are the things I thought about the most.
Thanksgiving 2014 was a turning point in my thought process. I won't go into specifics on what happened that particular day, but it's set into place a series of events and wheels that will probably change how I view the holidays for a while. Today, Christmas Day, I felt incredibly awkward and confused half the time, as the true meaning and spirit of Christmas was not only absent in my own mind, but in the mind of others I was around. It's like slowly but surely, Christmas is becoming just another day on the calendar, and I hate that feeling so much.
Basically, some things need to change.
I feel like I'm slowly coming into my own as a person. For so long I've hated who I am in all facets of the word. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin almost, whether physically or mentally. For a long time I was brought up to fit into a certain mold, to live out the dreams that others could not. For a long time, I ignored interests, lack of interests, desires, and simply gave in to what was around me. Mentally, that breaks you down a lot, because you know you're not happy, and you know you're not really wanting to do it, but you do it anyway because, at least in my case, you never want to disappoint. A lot of things in my mind are almost like a switch I can flip on or off depending on the people I'm around. Or, at least, that's how it was anyway.
As I walk into 2015 I know things have to change. It's time for things to really change. I have to take care of myself, and not just say that I'm going to take care of myself. I have to put myself first, and not just say that I'm going to put myself first. A lot of it comes down to learning once again how to say no, which believe or not, was a thing that wasn't difficult for me, but now has become so. It's about taking responsibility for my actions, learning when I have too much on my plate and not enough time to do it all, and learning when to ask for help when I need it. Oh, and just being up front about who I am as a person.
I've given myself a few things I'd like to accomplish in 2015, specifically when it comes to getting it done:
1) Go back to Georgia: I've said for so long a trip back to my roots is what I need to re-ground myself. People have come and gone in terms of who is still in Statesboro, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to at least see what all has changed since I departed from Savannah for the final time in July of 2012. If all works accordingly, I will have that opportunity sometime in 2015. I just can't talk about it just yet. : )
2) Moving out: It's long overdue for me to get back on my own two feet. California is a hard environment to get out there on your own without some help. I won't have that help, so I'll be doing it all on my own. Staying in Fairfield isn't an option, but I can't say for certain I'm gonna move to Sacramento until I know I'll be there with a good-paying job for some time. But, none the less, it's something I still am thinking about, and will start crunching those numbers together come February.
3) Back to the Gym, 2015 Edition: I've started workout kicks before. All of them have failed. Sadly 2013 was my most successful year, and then when I started working at Best Buy it completely failed. As I stare at the end of 2014 I haven't stepped foot in a gym in months. I have the desire, I have the setting at home to promote the change, so there's nothing in my way other than laziness. It's time to overcome that.
4) It's Back to My Roots: On a daily basis I am picked on & get made fun of for various things, whether it's my vehicle of choice, how I sound, what I wear, what I do, the music I listen to..... whatever. For the most part I use to ignore all of it and keep moving. Now, I let it bother me. I dunno exactly what I have to do in order to overcome this, but I'm gonna figure it out well before we get to 2015, because I need to start figuring THAT out tomorrow when I head to work. I need to get back to the core person that I am: a hard worker who is focused on the tasks at hand, thinks critically, and evaluates everything in front of them. I'm also quiet and reserved at moments, which isn't a bad thing at all. Just keeps me focused.
All-in-all, everything I do now is about what I want for my life. It's time to evaluate everything going on in my life and figure out what's working and what's not.... and if it's not, then it's time to remove it from my life and keep moving. Life isn't about rainbows and peace, but it's important to figure out who you are and what makes you tick every day.
It's time to evaluate.
Later, folks.
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