Make It Right.
I cannot tell you how many times I've sat at this laptop and thought about writing out a blog entry on here since my very last one on January 5th. So many topics, so many blogs have crossed into my mind, and unfortunately, none of them ever ended up on here.
I think that should change, starting right now.
Over the last couple of weeks I've taken a look back on what my life has been like for quite some time. Many bouts of up and down, nothing really consistent, all resulting in me having an immense fear of the unknown. Instead of embracing life I had begun to shy away from it. As much as it sucks to admit, I was so withdrawn from reality I couldn't even tell you if what I felt was real or if it was what I wanted to feel. Nothing felt right to me, nothing seem right, and above all else, nothing felt like it would ever be right again.
Well, I'm glad to sit here and tell you that I was wrong. VERY very wrong.
January of this year marked a turning point in my life. No longer did I want to feel as though I was simply a shell of myself, and that the smiles I had on my face were totally insincere and fake. I no longer wanted to be this person who walked around trying to make other think I'm OK, but in reality I'm aching so hard on the inside words are nowhere close to being found.
One source of my constant unhappiness has always been my father. I don't seek out his approval, I don't seek out his love, and I surely don't seek out his opinion. But I'm his youngest child -- and only boy. With that comes a lot of the pressures to right the "wrongs" he has experienced in the 4 kids he has raised since his first marriage. The way I've been made to feel has in no way, shape, or form, been anything I want to pass to anyone else. The feelings of hurt and confusion are things I may probably feel for a very long time.
In January of 2011 -- 6 months ago -- I vowed to myself to take care of myself, and not care what other people think about who I am, what I do, and what I stand for. I vowed to myself that even in the face of adversity and rejection, I would always stand by my core beliefs. I told myself that even if I never gained the confidence that surpassed the most outgoing person, I myself would be who I wanted to be, and accomplish what I wanted to accomplish in my life.
In short, I promised myself that I would be me.
Now, I'm not a person to always get what they want. It's never been that way in my life. People I've liked, relationships I've been in, things that I have had happen to me, have never exactly gone the way I would have liked them to. In a lot of ways, I have looked at something I have wanted and said... no. Why? Because I had been bred to think it would never happen, it would never go my way, that it was not meant to happen.
To say I've turned away many things in my life would be an understatement. Now though, even if it's not meant to happen, I will still look at something and give my 100 percent effort.
In my life I want to be proud of who I am. I want to know that I did everything I could think of to be the best person I could be. While the unknown still scares me, I feel as though not taking a chance on something would never get me where I want to be. What's the worse that can happen? Get told no? OK, yeah that can happen. I accept that that can happen. It's OK. That means something better is waiting for you.
As I look back on my life I realize that my journey to who I am today, the person who looks at the world with a genuine positive attitude and a smile on his face wide as the eye can see makes me the luckiest man alive. I am me, heading towards where I want to be. I was once in a dark place, one where I may not admit what I truly felt, because it was so evil and so crazy I didn't want to believe a single moment of it.
This is truly a life lesson I will value for life. I am who I want to be, or I'm heading to where I want to be. In short, I'm doing my best to make it right.
Now, the future of this blog. My goal is to come to this at least once a week and empty my mind on here. I have a lot of things that tend to roll through my mind at any given moment and in most cases, I won't get them out.
A friend of mine was telling me that the way I carry myself I seem like a motivational speaker and an inspirational role model to all. I never thought of myself in that light, but looking back at how things come across, I realize that my struggles can help someone who is going through similar circumstances know and understand that the world doesn't hate them, and that things will get better.
Time to impart some of my newest journeys to here. : D
Night all!
I think that should change, starting right now.
Over the last couple of weeks I've taken a look back on what my life has been like for quite some time. Many bouts of up and down, nothing really consistent, all resulting in me having an immense fear of the unknown. Instead of embracing life I had begun to shy away from it. As much as it sucks to admit, I was so withdrawn from reality I couldn't even tell you if what I felt was real or if it was what I wanted to feel. Nothing felt right to me, nothing seem right, and above all else, nothing felt like it would ever be right again.
Well, I'm glad to sit here and tell you that I was wrong. VERY very wrong.
January of this year marked a turning point in my life. No longer did I want to feel as though I was simply a shell of myself, and that the smiles I had on my face were totally insincere and fake. I no longer wanted to be this person who walked around trying to make other think I'm OK, but in reality I'm aching so hard on the inside words are nowhere close to being found.
One source of my constant unhappiness has always been my father. I don't seek out his approval, I don't seek out his love, and I surely don't seek out his opinion. But I'm his youngest child -- and only boy. With that comes a lot of the pressures to right the "wrongs" he has experienced in the 4 kids he has raised since his first marriage. The way I've been made to feel has in no way, shape, or form, been anything I want to pass to anyone else. The feelings of hurt and confusion are things I may probably feel for a very long time.
In January of 2011 -- 6 months ago -- I vowed to myself to take care of myself, and not care what other people think about who I am, what I do, and what I stand for. I vowed to myself that even in the face of adversity and rejection, I would always stand by my core beliefs. I told myself that even if I never gained the confidence that surpassed the most outgoing person, I myself would be who I wanted to be, and accomplish what I wanted to accomplish in my life.
In short, I promised myself that I would be me.
Now, I'm not a person to always get what they want. It's never been that way in my life. People I've liked, relationships I've been in, things that I have had happen to me, have never exactly gone the way I would have liked them to. In a lot of ways, I have looked at something I have wanted and said... no. Why? Because I had been bred to think it would never happen, it would never go my way, that it was not meant to happen.
To say I've turned away many things in my life would be an understatement. Now though, even if it's not meant to happen, I will still look at something and give my 100 percent effort.
In my life I want to be proud of who I am. I want to know that I did everything I could think of to be the best person I could be. While the unknown still scares me, I feel as though not taking a chance on something would never get me where I want to be. What's the worse that can happen? Get told no? OK, yeah that can happen. I accept that that can happen. It's OK. That means something better is waiting for you.
As I look back on my life I realize that my journey to who I am today, the person who looks at the world with a genuine positive attitude and a smile on his face wide as the eye can see makes me the luckiest man alive. I am me, heading towards where I want to be. I was once in a dark place, one where I may not admit what I truly felt, because it was so evil and so crazy I didn't want to believe a single moment of it.
This is truly a life lesson I will value for life. I am who I want to be, or I'm heading to where I want to be. In short, I'm doing my best to make it right.
Now, the future of this blog. My goal is to come to this at least once a week and empty my mind on here. I have a lot of things that tend to roll through my mind at any given moment and in most cases, I won't get them out.
A friend of mine was telling me that the way I carry myself I seem like a motivational speaker and an inspirational role model to all. I never thought of myself in that light, but looking back at how things come across, I realize that my struggles can help someone who is going through similar circumstances know and understand that the world doesn't hate them, and that things will get better.
Time to impart some of my newest journeys to here. : D
Night all!
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