Happy Birthday, Mom.
I was driving home from work tonight thinking about the day tomorrow. Mind you, I've been thinking about tomorrow for the past week or so, probably more than usual. Various things in life have me thinking about where my life has landed me, and sometimes I can't help but to wonder what life would be like had the events that transpired from December of 2004 through June of 2005 hadn't happened.
You see, tomorrow, or today really, November 19th, would have been my mom's 61st birthday.
The last time I cried over my mom, truthfully, hasn't happened since 2005. Most cases I just get really sad and withdrawn into my bubble and just don't socialize whenever she pops into my head. I can't help but to wonder what life would be like had my mom not been taken away so soon.
It's interesting to think about how life turns things around. For those of you not fortunate to know, I like to regard my mom as the closest person in my life. We bickered and argued back and forth, but never past the point of respect to her from me. She was Mom.... Ma.... Momma... whatever I decided to call her. To her, I was AG.... Pooh Bear.... her only son. We just had a good relationship.
She was the constant in my life for the first 16 years of my life. Naturally. I talked to her about everything, rarely talking to my dad almost. I lived with her my whole life, so I knew what she expected out of me. It was no question where the lines were. No matter the circumstance, I knew what she would say, or even think half the time. And despite our bickering in my early teenage years, I wanted her to be everywhere I was, and I always wanted her opinion on what I was doing, and her unwavering support. Oh and she loved to wear my shoes. : )
I have a distinct memory of a time she and I spent together. I don't remember exactly what year -- if anything I wasn't but a Freshmen in high school -- she took me out of school one day for a day trip down to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure with her and a co-worker friend of hers. That was the first time I ever set eyes on the Daytona International Speedway. Why did she do it? Just because. SO MUCH FUN. Of course I had to make sure I was caught up on my school work and home work, but it helped that she wrote a sick note for me to take to school the following day. : )
There was another memory with her. She was one of the chaperones on my very first Spring Band Trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Of course I was assigned to a different chaperone, but I was basically with my mom and her group. I remember when we went to the NASCAR Speed Park, a go-kart track in the area, and we raced around the tracks. It took me a while to convince her to get into one and drive around, but she did one track, and had fun. She tried to get me to dance and mingle with the other kids from the competition we were participating in (to no avail), but mostly just had fun with us.
She was my biggest supporter, and the first to give me constructive criticism. Her goal was to keep my mind independent from those around me, and to keep myself thinking freely from others. I remember a conversation we had in April of 2005 on one of her good days, when we were sitting in the computer room on the couch. I was sitting on the floor, her on the loveseat, and I remember her telling me that no matter what happened, she simply wanted me to be happy, be honest, and stay true to myself.... to not let anyone control my mind, my thoughts, or try to make me believe what I didn't want to believe. Those words have stuck with me since then, and have had a major part in what drives me forward on those bad days.
The one constant in my life for 16 years was my mom. So it's been a weird almost 10 years without her. She wasn't there when I walked the stage for high school. She didn't get to see me off to college, like we always talked about (like me, she was anti-UGA). She didn't get to see me grasp my college diploma after 5 hard-fought years through 2 separate degree programs. She won't get to see me walk down the aisle one day when I marry the love of my life (if and when that happens).
Those are hard pills to swallow.
So as I'm staring at the calendar for November 19th, I can't help but to wonder what my life would be like had she not been bitten with cancer all too soon.
I know she would be happy with the person I'm becoming today. She'd still be my Number 1 Supporter. She'd tell me to go with what I know and love, and not let others deter me. That is my resolve, my hope.
_______________________________________________________________________
Mom:
I'm pretty sure I'd be giving you a lot of grief for being 61 years old today... all out of love, of course. It's because of you, truly, that I am the one person I am today. I'd like to think you laid the groundwork for me moving forward.... and it just took a while to realize it. Of course Dad and I have a relationship now, all thanks to you of course... but I can't help but to miss you on days like this.
As life goes forward, know that anyone I know, or will know, will have to know about you. In a way, it's like your acceptance of them into my life. They may not know you physically, but they'll definitely know who you are.
I love you with all my heart. I miss you with every fiber in my body. I'll never get past the fact that you're no longer here.... I just learn to live with that void. No one can replace you, and I'm pretty sure no one will try. Everyone just knows who you are, and how much you mean to me.
Thank you for everything. Wherever you are, I just hope to continue to make you proud of me, no matter what paths life takes me down.
_______________________________________________________________________
Happy Birthday, Mom. : )
You see, tomorrow, or today really, November 19th, would have been my mom's 61st birthday.
The last time I cried over my mom, truthfully, hasn't happened since 2005. Most cases I just get really sad and withdrawn into my bubble and just don't socialize whenever she pops into my head. I can't help but to wonder what life would be like had my mom not been taken away so soon.
It's interesting to think about how life turns things around. For those of you not fortunate to know, I like to regard my mom as the closest person in my life. We bickered and argued back and forth, but never past the point of respect to her from me. She was Mom.... Ma.... Momma... whatever I decided to call her. To her, I was AG.... Pooh Bear.... her only son. We just had a good relationship.
She was the constant in my life for the first 16 years of my life. Naturally. I talked to her about everything, rarely talking to my dad almost. I lived with her my whole life, so I knew what she expected out of me. It was no question where the lines were. No matter the circumstance, I knew what she would say, or even think half the time. And despite our bickering in my early teenage years, I wanted her to be everywhere I was, and I always wanted her opinion on what I was doing, and her unwavering support. Oh and she loved to wear my shoes. : )
I have a distinct memory of a time she and I spent together. I don't remember exactly what year -- if anything I wasn't but a Freshmen in high school -- she took me out of school one day for a day trip down to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure with her and a co-worker friend of hers. That was the first time I ever set eyes on the Daytona International Speedway. Why did she do it? Just because. SO MUCH FUN. Of course I had to make sure I was caught up on my school work and home work, but it helped that she wrote a sick note for me to take to school the following day. : )
There was another memory with her. She was one of the chaperones on my very first Spring Band Trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Of course I was assigned to a different chaperone, but I was basically with my mom and her group. I remember when we went to the NASCAR Speed Park, a go-kart track in the area, and we raced around the tracks. It took me a while to convince her to get into one and drive around, but she did one track, and had fun. She tried to get me to dance and mingle with the other kids from the competition we were participating in (to no avail), but mostly just had fun with us.
She was my biggest supporter, and the first to give me constructive criticism. Her goal was to keep my mind independent from those around me, and to keep myself thinking freely from others. I remember a conversation we had in April of 2005 on one of her good days, when we were sitting in the computer room on the couch. I was sitting on the floor, her on the loveseat, and I remember her telling me that no matter what happened, she simply wanted me to be happy, be honest, and stay true to myself.... to not let anyone control my mind, my thoughts, or try to make me believe what I didn't want to believe. Those words have stuck with me since then, and have had a major part in what drives me forward on those bad days.
The one constant in my life for 16 years was my mom. So it's been a weird almost 10 years without her. She wasn't there when I walked the stage for high school. She didn't get to see me off to college, like we always talked about (like me, she was anti-UGA). She didn't get to see me grasp my college diploma after 5 hard-fought years through 2 separate degree programs. She won't get to see me walk down the aisle one day when I marry the love of my life (if and when that happens).
Those are hard pills to swallow.
So as I'm staring at the calendar for November 19th, I can't help but to wonder what my life would be like had she not been bitten with cancer all too soon.
I know she would be happy with the person I'm becoming today. She'd still be my Number 1 Supporter. She'd tell me to go with what I know and love, and not let others deter me. That is my resolve, my hope.
_______________________________________________________________________
Mom:
I'm pretty sure I'd be giving you a lot of grief for being 61 years old today... all out of love, of course. It's because of you, truly, that I am the one person I am today. I'd like to think you laid the groundwork for me moving forward.... and it just took a while to realize it. Of course Dad and I have a relationship now, all thanks to you of course... but I can't help but to miss you on days like this.
As life goes forward, know that anyone I know, or will know, will have to know about you. In a way, it's like your acceptance of them into my life. They may not know you physically, but they'll definitely know who you are.
I love you with all my heart. I miss you with every fiber in my body. I'll never get past the fact that you're no longer here.... I just learn to live with that void. No one can replace you, and I'm pretty sure no one will try. Everyone just knows who you are, and how much you mean to me.
Thank you for everything. Wherever you are, I just hope to continue to make you proud of me, no matter what paths life takes me down.
_______________________________________________________________________
Happy Birthday, Mom. : )
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