"I'm Depressed."
A few days back I wrote a bit of a rambling blog post, mostly to just clear out space in my mind. It seems like lately there's a lot of things that take up a lot of space, and it's adding to my instability. It's amazing to say, but that short blog post did a lot to re-ground me, and as a result I had a great day that day. So maybe it's time to unload.
I haven't talked about this a lot, mostly because I've come to grips with it myself recently.
I deal with depression.
It's hard to say, it's hard to admit to, but it's true.
I deal with depression.
It's not easy to handle, it's not easy to deal with, and it's more than "just being sad." It's perception of the environment around you and feeling like you're more of a hindrance to other people and their lives than the stability and livelihood of your own. It's taking the words others say and having your mind twist them into such a way that everything instantly makes you feel like you're a failure. Even if you had nothing to do with it, you feel responsible.
I use to think depression was this thing you could easily get past. Just be happy, right? It's not that easy, and I'm learning that now. There are things associated with that, like my admitted control issues, that stem from that depression. I'm learning to manage that now, and although it isn't easy, I'm beginning to accept the notion that things that aren't in my control aren't in my control, and I only have control over the things I have control over.
I don't take things like normal people do. Sometimes it's hard for me to know if someone is joking or not. I barely can tell when someone is flirting or hitting on me, let alone tell if someone is joking with me or not (there have been a couple cases of this in the last few days, no doubt). I just don't really know. I'm not one to guess either whether or not someone is.... I'm more or less just going to roll with it until proven one way or the other. Sometimes I just jump to the extreme. Again.... I can't really predict it.
I'm not saying all of this to look like a basket case or some crazy person. That has always been my perception of someone with depression. They're not in control of their emotions, or anything really. They just go off on the rocker on anything and have major extremes in their mood. The reality is that they're the ones more keen to not say anything versus speaking up about how they feel.
September is always a hard month for me for whatever reason, no matter how I keep an outlook on the month. It seemed like this year was definitely no different and the added pressures of a job not only got to me, but made October just as bad as September. I felt like I was trapped, like I had no control over anything, and no matter what I did, I was constantly being pushed down and felt less than. Even the jokes and the teasing that seemed harmless got to me, and at times I felt like just exploding (I actually did one day at work when an associate decided to hide my phone, resulting in me wasting half an hour of my lunch searching for it.... I completely lost it that day). I felt like I was completely changed as a person, and no matter what, it just wouldn't end. And then just as quickly as it came, it seemed to slack off and/or disappear altogether.
I'm not okay right now. There is no going around it. I'm certainly not at a rock bottom, but I'm certainly not at the top either.
I feel more pressure on me now than I ever have to perform at a level I feel isn't possible for me to perform at. I have double the responsibilities at home and at work, and no time to recuperate or even take a break from it all. I'm handling things both in and out of my home in a way that would make anyone crumble. I unwillingly take on pressure and am expected to perform, and not slack on anything. And with no breaks and no time to just breathe..... it gets to you. I don't ask for any of it, but the choice to delegate and mitigate any pressure isn't an option.
I'm just expected to do it all, I feel.
The worst part is the feeling of letting others down, or slacking on responsibilities. I'm one to follow through and when I don't, I just feel like I've let people down..... co-workers, my team, my friends, my family.... everyone. I've had conversations with people lately and at the end of it, I just feel like a huge fail at things, no matter how hard I try. It's like I want to get better but I don't know how to get there. I just feel like I'm letting people down right now, none of which is okay.
A lot of things feel unrealistic to me right now. A lot of things feel like unfair to me right now. But there's really no choice but to keep going forward and just hope that somewhere down the line there's a form of relief.
I'm going to have my good days. I'm going to have my bad days. But at the end of it they're all just days together. And somehow I have to get through this.
I'm asking for help. Have asked for help. Have gotten the help I need. And through things I just feel like I'll get through it, but right now I'm going through it and just have to figure out a way out of it.
The last two days I've walked into placed, walked into work, walked around in general, carrying with me a more "I don't care" mentality. It's not a fact of just not caring, but it's more of not caring about the things I can't control, period. I'm focusing on what I can control, what I can do. I'm caring about those things. Things that don't involve me, I don't care about. Things that directly affect me, I do. That's made the last couple of days pretty smooth, I feel. Tonight was a bad night just because of frustrations and anger and annoyances, mostly pertaining to work-related things. In general I hope this nonchalant attitude carries forward, as it's helping me to get through this.
Again, I know I'm going to have good days and bad days. It's more or less just days, and somehow I I have to get through this.
If you've read this far thanks for reading. I'm not looking for sympathy or concern. I'm more or less just putting down what's in my mind, in hopes of clearing space to allow for expansion of thought. Maybe somewhere in that will be some clarity, and that's what I need right now.
I haven't talked about this a lot, mostly because I've come to grips with it myself recently.
I deal with depression.
It's hard to say, it's hard to admit to, but it's true.
I deal with depression.
It's not easy to handle, it's not easy to deal with, and it's more than "just being sad." It's perception of the environment around you and feeling like you're more of a hindrance to other people and their lives than the stability and livelihood of your own. It's taking the words others say and having your mind twist them into such a way that everything instantly makes you feel like you're a failure. Even if you had nothing to do with it, you feel responsible.
I use to think depression was this thing you could easily get past. Just be happy, right? It's not that easy, and I'm learning that now. There are things associated with that, like my admitted control issues, that stem from that depression. I'm learning to manage that now, and although it isn't easy, I'm beginning to accept the notion that things that aren't in my control aren't in my control, and I only have control over the things I have control over.
I don't take things like normal people do. Sometimes it's hard for me to know if someone is joking or not. I barely can tell when someone is flirting or hitting on me, let alone tell if someone is joking with me or not (there have been a couple cases of this in the last few days, no doubt). I just don't really know. I'm not one to guess either whether or not someone is.... I'm more or less just going to roll with it until proven one way or the other. Sometimes I just jump to the extreme. Again.... I can't really predict it.
I'm not saying all of this to look like a basket case or some crazy person. That has always been my perception of someone with depression. They're not in control of their emotions, or anything really. They just go off on the rocker on anything and have major extremes in their mood. The reality is that they're the ones more keen to not say anything versus speaking up about how they feel.
September is always a hard month for me for whatever reason, no matter how I keep an outlook on the month. It seemed like this year was definitely no different and the added pressures of a job not only got to me, but made October just as bad as September. I felt like I was trapped, like I had no control over anything, and no matter what I did, I was constantly being pushed down and felt less than. Even the jokes and the teasing that seemed harmless got to me, and at times I felt like just exploding (I actually did one day at work when an associate decided to hide my phone, resulting in me wasting half an hour of my lunch searching for it.... I completely lost it that day). I felt like I was completely changed as a person, and no matter what, it just wouldn't end. And then just as quickly as it came, it seemed to slack off and/or disappear altogether.
I'm not okay right now. There is no going around it. I'm certainly not at a rock bottom, but I'm certainly not at the top either.
I feel more pressure on me now than I ever have to perform at a level I feel isn't possible for me to perform at. I have double the responsibilities at home and at work, and no time to recuperate or even take a break from it all. I'm handling things both in and out of my home in a way that would make anyone crumble. I unwillingly take on pressure and am expected to perform, and not slack on anything. And with no breaks and no time to just breathe..... it gets to you. I don't ask for any of it, but the choice to delegate and mitigate any pressure isn't an option.
I'm just expected to do it all, I feel.
The worst part is the feeling of letting others down, or slacking on responsibilities. I'm one to follow through and when I don't, I just feel like I've let people down..... co-workers, my team, my friends, my family.... everyone. I've had conversations with people lately and at the end of it, I just feel like a huge fail at things, no matter how hard I try. It's like I want to get better but I don't know how to get there. I just feel like I'm letting people down right now, none of which is okay.
A lot of things feel unrealistic to me right now. A lot of things feel like unfair to me right now. But there's really no choice but to keep going forward and just hope that somewhere down the line there's a form of relief.
I'm going to have my good days. I'm going to have my bad days. But at the end of it they're all just days together. And somehow I have to get through this.
I'm asking for help. Have asked for help. Have gotten the help I need. And through things I just feel like I'll get through it, but right now I'm going through it and just have to figure out a way out of it.
The last two days I've walked into placed, walked into work, walked around in general, carrying with me a more "I don't care" mentality. It's not a fact of just not caring, but it's more of not caring about the things I can't control, period. I'm focusing on what I can control, what I can do. I'm caring about those things. Things that don't involve me, I don't care about. Things that directly affect me, I do. That's made the last couple of days pretty smooth, I feel. Tonight was a bad night just because of frustrations and anger and annoyances, mostly pertaining to work-related things. In general I hope this nonchalant attitude carries forward, as it's helping me to get through this.
Again, I know I'm going to have good days and bad days. It's more or less just days, and somehow I I have to get through this.
If you've read this far thanks for reading. I'm not looking for sympathy or concern. I'm more or less just putting down what's in my mind, in hopes of clearing space to allow for expansion of thought. Maybe somewhere in that will be some clarity, and that's what I need right now.
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